You're Uninvited

A New Chapter

2008-06-27T08:43:00.006+10:00

Charlie's job has always caused problems in our marriage. He works horrendous hours and as a result our family life suffers.

We are given many opportunities that normal people are not given, but these opportunities do not make us happy. Whilst we certainly embrace these moments, it is the simple things that we miss.

This week Charlie decided he doesn't want to do it anymore. He went to his manager and advised him of where his head was pertaining to his position. His manager, of course, has absolutely freaked, and told Charlie to go home, take the week off and think about it.

Charlie thought about it and handed in his resignation, effective immediately.

There are many reasons why he has made this decision and he has convinced me that he has done it for all the right reasons.

He wants to sit up at night with me and watch TV series that he hasn't had the opportunity to..........because he can.

He wants to lay on the floor and drink red wine with me, listening to CD's..........because he can.

He wants to make love to me in the mornings, like he has done every morning this week..........because he can.

He wants to embrace the future and all it holds for us and our family..........because he can.

He wants to give me the opportunity to become the person that I am destined to be..........because he believes I deserve it.

He wants to step back and allow me to take on my new role with the same agency I have worked with for over 5 years, that involves lengthy periods of International travel..........because he believes I deserve it.

And so our journey continues but it has really only just started. I am sure there will be many twists and turns and rocky paths that we travel, but with no-one watching our journey from afar we are free to take whichever path we choose.

All inroads to our lives are now sealed off from prying eyes. There is no email address known to the mistress that remains active. There is no phone number known to the mistress that remains active. There is no avenue of communication that remains open to the mistress.

I guess it has become a lost opportunity and we are protected now from anything that is thrown our way.

But the new chapter has already started and we are both extremely excited for what lays ahead and we are embracing every opportunity our new life brings.

So it is time to say a final goodbye because I am leaving behind a chapter in my life when I wished the sun didn't come up, but I am so glad that it did.

I have learnt so much during the last two years of my life, and I am a better person for it. I have grown within and take with me valuable lessons about who I am.

And for the second time this year I am hand delivering a goodbye letter sealed in a pretty purple envelope, only this time I will seal it with a kiss.

I missed my court date....OOPS!

2008-05-03T08:16:00.004+10:00

Taken from Charlie's blog last year.........

The Karma Train said...
This post could almost make a person sad.

No doubt you are suffering.

Possibly what you and and your wife (lets call you dumb and dumber) should have done was keep it to yourselves.

It's not as though a blind eye wasn't turned to many of your ridiculous activities.

e.g. the bathroom photo (exhibit L - Supreme Court of Australia - Mistress V Dumber 02/05/2008)

Keep pushing buttons....and one day either the lift door will open or maybe something will explode????

Do you want to know who I am? More to the point, let me TELL you who WE are, we deliberately don't hide our IP this time.

We are four friends of the person who's life you almost ruined. You have met 2 of us....in fact one of us drove you to the airport!

We've got news for you Mr Cat....the Karma Train is coming. You can't treat people the way you do and just walk away leaving the destruction behind you without one day suffering some consequences.

Thu Jul 26, 07:32:00 PM 2007

Well it appears it is not just Jeff that missed his court date. I did too.

Oh but hang on! I didn't get served with any papers!!!!!!

I wonder if they got lost in the mail???

What exactly is Personal Information?

2008-03-24T18:08:00.013+11:00

So I am being accused of having dangerous personal information on my blog that apparently identifies my husband's Ex mistress.

Well, JQ, just for you, here we go......... I recently moved house.

I used to live at Number 6 but now reside at Number 22.

So do you now know where I live? You have no idea! And every other reader has no idea either!

That is SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOO personal isn't it?

And I'll give you another little clue JQ as to where I live...... one of the pics above is my bathroom.

Why don't you send me a postcard JQ? I'll be checking my letterbox everyday!

Remember Sammy D?

2008-03-15T22:36:00.005+11:00

Do you remember Sammy D that used to read our blogs and comment?

I was going through my inbox and found an email she sent me.

It struck several nerves........read it yourself.

From: Samantha Donnelly [mailto:(sammyd)@gmail.com]
Sent: Tuesday, 13 February 2007 9:21 PM
To: Kate and Charlie
Subject: A Goodbye Message

(Kate and Charlie)

I have been silently watching the goings on in blogland. I'm sure you are not surprised that I haven't left a comment. I hate disharmony.

I don't share too much about myself. I am pretty much a private person. But this is what I wanted to share with you today in my goodbye message.

(Charlie), I found your blog when searching for 'human frailty' I think it was. Your animated way of writing also reminded me of my husband Michael.

Michael was different. He was beautiful. We were childhood sweethearts, and if I could have just curled my body around him like a cocoon and felt his every movement and shared his every breath, then I would have. It was a rollercoaster from the minute we met. When things were going well, we were angels in heaven and floating on clouds. When things were bad, it was hell. Suicide attempts, constant accusations of my infidelity, jealousy that was absolutely and totally suffocating.

My children are my life. I loved Michael so much, and I wanted our children so badly. I wanted a part of Michael, and a part of me blended with our love to make these special little people that would become our family. When I was pregnant with Jamie, Michael would go from doting 'father to be' at one moment to something that resembled a jealous jilted lover at others. In exasperation one day I said to Michael that we should just go and live on a deserted island so there would be nobody to be jealous of. I will never forget the way he grabbed my face in his hands, and his blue eyes looked so glazed and scary as he told me that he would be jealous of the sand that massaged my toes, and the sun that bathed my skin.

It's a long story and something that my 'human frailty' makes it impossible for me to share in it's entirety in one sitting. Michael took his life on Christams Day 2 years ago.

My chilsren are my life. They are a little Michael and a little me. We didn't get it right. But that doesn't mean they can't. I always want to remain close to my children as they grow, and as they become older I want to be aware enough to know when to give them space, when to hold their hand, when to listen and when it's time to be firm with some good old home truths. I brought these little darlin's into this world, and it's my job to give them the life skills to deal with it or at least point them in the right direction. If they fuck up, well good, because by then I hope they'll know how to fix their fuck ups, and if that's with or without my help. That's fine too.

I saw (Kate's son)'s comments on your blog Charlie. They were so sad for me to read. I bawled my eyes out. (Kate), I saw the fedup comment that you deleted. You thanked JD and then seemed surprised that your son had commented on the blog. I am in no position to judge either of you. So all I want to say in closing is, love your children and please remember how short and how precious life can be, and the little ones you both made and brought into this world need to come first.

I'm not going to read your blogs anymore. Don't take it personally. These things happen for a reason.

Cheers,

Samantha

Do you not feel for this woman? My heart went out to her and I responded with the following email:

From:Kate
Sent: Tuesday, 13 February 2007 10:16 PM
To: 'Samantha Donnelly'
Subject: RE: A Goodbye Message

Sammy,

I am sitting here in tears. You have really struck a raw nerve in me, not just for telling your story, but because it is so central in many ways to me and my situation.

I have been struggling in blogland myself the last few weeks, hence my inability to post on my blog.

I have made the decision to close my blog down again because I just cannot handle the nastiness from the mistress and her ‘friends’. I have asked (Charlie) to do the same but he has not decided what to do. I want him to start invite only or even a new address. I even purchased a gorgeous journal for him to write in but for Mr Egotistical it does not have the same meaning because he doesn’t have his precious fucking audience. (Do you hear my resentment?)

Today’s happenings on (Charlie)’s blog have also taken its toll on me. The nastiness that has been flying around is so unnecessary. I didn’t delete the comment Sammy. (Charlie) did because he wrote it not realising it was under (my son's) log in. I am not at all happy with (Charlie) for that post either. It has caused a lot of disharmony between us. He just does not get where I am coming from when I ask him to defend me. Wouldn’t you do that if you truly loved someone Sammy? (Charlie) just does not get it. We had a humdinger of an argument Sunday night which is why he wrote this post.

I KNOW you get what I am saying because the way you have commented to him in the past indicates that you want to see the emotion as well. I don’t want words on a sheet of paper. I want to feel what he is saying, because right now I don’t believe what he tells me. Hell he has lied to me for so long , why on earth would I believe him now?

I now understand why you have been a supporter of the cat, if he reminds you of Michael. I feel that you and I have a lot in common and hence you feel my pain as if it were your own and you see and feel exactly what I do.
You summed my marriage up Sammy with “When things were going well, we were angels in heaven and floating on clouds. When things were bad, it was hell”.

And this was my previous relationship “constant accusations of my infidelity, jealousy that was absolutely and totally suffocating. “

I don’t want to live in hell anymore and I really do not know that (Charlie) can make me float on clouds anymore. I don’t want to fight to have my needs filled. I don’t want to have to argue with my husband for him to realise what it is that he is or isn’t doing.

Which leads me to my kids. My kids are my world. They are also (Charlie)’s world. He is a doting father and loves his little girls with all of his heart. I don’t think we can get it right Sammy, but I am terrified that either way my kids are going ot suffer for it.

I so would love to give you the biggest hug right now. I am sure you really need it. I know I need one.

Please stay in touch Sammy and when you come over in April I would still love to meet you.

Kate

Do you remember Sammy D?

Moving on....

2008-03-05T20:57:00.004+11:00

Once again I am amazed at how nasty and bitchy blogland can be. But then I guess whilst people with severe issues still frequent the fantasy land there will always be problems of some description.

I no longer find much appealing about the fantasy world of blogland. I have learnt the difference between fantasy and real. Charlie's affair taught me the difference, and I have come to realise that the people that become the third person in a marriage have great difficulty distinguishing the difference between fact and fiction, real and fantasy. Whichever way you look at it, they seem to live in a cloud of unreal thoughts and perceptions.

Today I came across another lie intimating that I was harassing the mistress. Check this out.....

"But Kate still makes trouble for Chardy a year after the affair when she will not have anything to do with Charlie and wants to move on"

So I guess the following emails and messages from Chardy herself really show that she is indeed moving on. Or is my perception lacking some what???

See for yourself........... (I'll even put it in pretty pink just like Chardy does!)

From: Mistress Chardy
Sent: Thursday, 24 January 2008 8:34 AM
To: Charlie the Cat
Subject:

I can't believe you are taking a restraining order against me because I sent you a phone bill?

Is there anything else you can do to me?

Rip my heart out and stomp on it. Take unnecessary legal action against me. With that and my legal dramas with (Ex husband #2), and my broken heart, that is really unfair.

I have done nothing but defend you for the past 3 weeks to (friend) & co and try to make them understand your reasons for what you've done.

I love you Charlie, and I honestly believed that one day we would be together. That's why I have deliberately left you alone and not tried to contact you, and now this.

I will defend the order, because there is no need for one.

I can't believe you did that?

So by Chardy's own admission she is still in love with him and believes they will be together. Yep that is really moving on, isn't it?

And by her own admission she sent him a phone bill. Yep making more contact is really moving on, isn't it?

And then there is the Facebook message she sent me directly, even calling me by name.
Check this out......

Mistress Chardy

6:53pm Jan 2nd
Report Message

Kate,

Well obviously Charlie is not going to give me verbal closure and I would suspect that is your wish. I understand that.

So I will gain my own closure by sending you this message.

As far as I am concerned, there is one person to blame for all of the pain that has been caused to both of our families. That person is Charlie.

When he asked me to send that facebook message about what happened on New Year two years ago, I knew it was juvenile, and even if it was true, I wish I hadn't done it because I knew that it would torture you. I don't like hurting people. It is not in my nature.

As we both know, Charlie has many unresolved issues. I truly hope that he will find happiness in his life and there would be no better place to find that than with you, his wife. I know he loves you very deeply, and I know that I was just a haven for the times that he felt unloved and unable to be himself.

I promise that I will leave you alone Kate. I hope that your family will heal and be happy. I am truly sorry for any pain that I have caused to you and your family.

On that note, can I please ask that we all conduct ourselves like adults and not play any more games on the internet whether it be blogland or facebook.

My children, (son) in particular, have suffered greatly by having Charlie back in our lives, no matter how briefly. (son) was the one who took Charlie's note from the letterbox today and read it accidentally and then tried to keep it from me. He is extremely distraught to say the least.

Happy New Year to all of you, and may you all find peace and happiness in your new home in the new year.

Chardy

And I responded to her message with the following.......

Kate

8:14pm Jan 2nd

I am glad you have had your closure now so that means that no further contact to wither Charlie or myself is warranted.

I would love to gain my closure by responding to your mesasge Chardy, but I am at the point in healing where I do not see the point. All I will say is that we have very different opinions on numerous aspects of the last 2 years.

I would also like to make you aware that it is Charlie's choice not to have any further contact with you, not mine. It would have been very difficult for him to answer his phone to your calls this afternoon whilst swimming in the (public) Pool with his girls.

Rest assured Chardy that Charlie and I are not at all interested in playing stupid games. However, please be advised that I will take the necessary precautions to protect my family should you begin to cause problems.

I ask that you be sensible about the decision that Charlie has made and any further contact from you to either Charlie otr myself will be placed in the hands of our solicitor.

And that wasn't the last of it either because it WAS placed in the hands of a solicitor. Maybe that will be tomorrow's post......a copy of the letter I drafted outlining all the details of the 20 plus contacts in 15 minutes after I responded to her message.

But I guess in some bloggers eyes, particularly those that live in a fantasy world, I was the one that was harassing Chardy. Perhaps those people should open their eyes to the facts and not the lies that spew forth from someone who is immoral and willing to sleep with a married man, hoping to tear a family unit apart, someone that is not against hurting people, someone that does not think twice about telling lies.

And you know what???? I have SSSSSOOOOOO many juicy things to tell re the ongoing harassment that I was subjected to from Mistress Chardy.

SO I guess Katie will come out of retirement and tell the rest of the story.

STAY TUNED!!!!

Laughing my fucking ass off!

2007-11-28T15:30:00.002+11:00

I have had the biggest laugh today!

Well I ran into someone today that I have known for a number of years. I don't really know her all that well but when we see each other we chat and get on really well.

She was aware of some of the stuff that has been going on with regard to my marriage during the last 18months but not a great deal of detail. But today she told me something that made me grin from ear to ear.

Remember when Charlie went interstate and his mistress accompanied him for all of 24 hours?
She told me that she was on the same flight as Charlie and his mistress that day. She told me that she saw him buy her a drink in the lounge area and then board the plane and sit together. She said they were not at all affectionate or the like and she assumed that she was one of Charlie's work colleagues.

I then told her that this female person was Charlie's mistress. Her jaw dropped and her facial expression was pure gold. I asked her what the problem was and after a few seconds she laughed a little and told me.

She went on to say that "she is absolutely nothing to look at, rather ugly actually" and she also said "I don't know what he saw in her when comparing her to you".

I nearly pissed myself! Don't really know why I was so shocked because even Charlie told me she was nothing to look at. His words were "ordinary head and ordinary head job too!"

HaHaHaHa

Stealing my Sunshine

2007-09-27T22:50:00.001+10:00

"We have no more right to put our discordant states of mind into the lives of those around us and rob them of their sunshine and brightness than we have to enter their houses and steal their silverware."

Charles Swindoll

The Mistress may have stolen my silverware, but I had already realised there were pieces missing.

I noticed the pieces that remained in the beautifully carved wooden canteen needed a polish.

And the Mistress gave me the polishing cloth.

Lies, Lies, Lies

2007-09-18T09:06:00.002+10:00

The more the mistress keeps herself in my life, the more she proves to me that she is indeed a liar and anything that comes out of her mouth cannot be believed.

Look at these snippets from an email she sent:

From: Mistress
Sent: Monday, 5 February 2007 7:24 AM
To: Charlie
Subject: White flag

"I am currently being wooed by a gorgeous man (his name is Charlie...haha! - he was nearly snubbed on that basis alone)"

"I have never read the Kissmekate blog, and don't intend to in the future"

And let's compare them to some statements the mistress has made on her blog.

Sunday, August 12, 2007
In early May there was a conference here in (my home town). ..........

So I told those boys....."A DROUGHT!!!! A DROUGHT?????.......let me tell you about a really bad drought! I've been in a drought now for 8 months! Here I am at the sexual peak of my life!.....and I ain't gettin' any!!!!"

Please forgive me if my adding up is wrong but somehow, given I was always a straight A student in 4 unit Maths I don't think it is, but there is only 3 months between February when the email was sent and May when the conference was held.

HOWEVER, there is 8 months from when my husband left her to May when the conference was held.

So I guess this "gorgeous man" is a figment of her imagination???? Or is he simply 'full of hot air' and stored under the bed???

And she states she has never read my blog. What about these comments she left on her blog.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I left at least one, maybe two comments on R's 'secret squirrel' blog with this profile (ages ago). I was called 'dewdrop'.

But what about the comments she left using this username on MY blog? Do you want to see???

dewdrop said...
"When you want out of a marriage, you have to earn your way out. Long suffering is not earning your way out. You must turn over every stone and investigate every avenue of rehabilitation in order to earn your way out of your relationship" Dr PhilYes Rose is right. Here is a quote from Dr Phil's bullet point notes about deciding to stay in a marriage or call it quits.You can find these notes on Oprah's website or Dr Phil has a forum about infidelity on his site.I'm punting Kate is saying that she has turned every stone and tried as best she can to rehabilitate her marriage and now she has earned her passage out.Good Luck Kate.Frannie - I can't agree with your "cripple the children" sentence.Unhappy homes with unhappy parents are much more likely to cripple children than a divorce.Talk to your children. Keep them informed as to what is happening in terms matched with their age. Reinforce your love for them daily. They will survive and so will you.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007 5:40:00 PM

and

dewdrop said...
I'm sorry Kate that you feel so badly. I must say I agree with the mt_detroit and john. If it has come to ticking and crossing dinners, emails, cards and flowers this will never be sustainable. Two people who love each other and have a healthy relationship should be able to just BE.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007 5:25:00 AM

and

dewdrop said...
Also I was thinking about the work functions that you attend to together and presume these would be freebies. Many couples can't afford to enjoy events like black tie balls. On the other hand many couples would be just as content with a picnic under the stars if that's all the coffers could afford.On the face of it I would say that Kate's heart is just to broken and will remain broken while in Charlie's presence. It happens and sometimes it means that while Kate might be turning those stones to earn her way out she is blind to what is underneath the stones and therefore rehabilitation is not posible.It's a shame that Kate has not continued some form of counseling. If there is depression and I thought I read on Charlie's blog a bipolar dignosis? it is a tough road with out professional help and even with that asistance it's no picnic either.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007 6:04:00 AM

But I guess given that she states she has "never read the Kissmekate blog" that this must be another 'dewdrop' ???? And of course it would have to be another person. I can see her justification now. "It wasn't me because there is a spelling mistake."

It is not a spelling mistake....it is called a TYPO.

A bad conscience....

2007-09-11T10:20:00.001+10:00

A bad conscience has a very good memory

Sunshine on a Rainy Day

2007-09-08T11:09:00.001+10:00

Having a sharp tongue can cut your own throat

Sometimes one should just leave sleeping dogs lie.

Sometimes it is better to leave well alone.

Sometimes one should swallow their pride.

Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

Today I am feeling vindicated.

As the saying goes "Good things come to those that wait". Or perhaps the saying "Justice will prevail" is more appropriate.

Today, in my world, where there is a thick layer of grey cloud overhead, there are rays of bright sunshine streaming through.

And there is a smile on my face.

Let's face it....

2007-08-29T21:34:00.001+10:00

Not everything that is faced can be changed,
but nothing can be changed until it is faced.

- James A. Baldwin.

Deal with it!

2007-08-23T10:07:00.001+10:00

You go girl

2007-08-08T09:34:00.001+10:00

The first time

2007-07-12T12:21:00.001+10:00

I remember the first time we made love.

We had a wonderful night. He invited me over to his house and made dinner for me. He made prawn cocktails for an entree. He went out and purchased special bowls in order to make them. We still have those bowls and he still makes prawn cocktails in those same bowls for us.

For the main he made a beautiful Thai chicken dish. It was really delicious. And as we talked and ate, we shared a bottle of chilled white wine. He had soft music playing in the background and after we finished our meal we sat on the lounge together.

We talked and talked some more. We were so comfortable in each others company. We could have sat for hours and just stared into each others eyes, sharing a good bottle of wine , talking and listening to music.

But alas, we had to meet some friends of mine. So we left together.

We had a wonderful night out with friends and on our return to his place we were both truly exhausted. But we sat once again together on the lounge, cuddling and talking.

Eventually he got up and took my hand, leading me into his bedroom. He sat me down and leant me back whilst kissing me. His kisses were tender and wet, full of emotion and passion.

Joining me on his bed he laid beside me, kissing me tenderly.

Slowly his hands began to make their way over my clothed body, but one by one, the buttons on my shirt were released from their hold. Eventually we were both naked and could not wait for the pleasure that lay ahead of us.

The first time says so much about the journey of the relationship.

The first time cements the foundation of the future of the relationship.

The first time cements the path of the relationship up until this point.

If there was no passion until this point then the relationship was probably lust filled, just like a one night stand.

If there was nothing special shared until this point then the relationship was probably an escape.

If there was nothing but lies and cover ups until this point then the relationship is probably a lie.

So I believe that sex in a broom closet, or in a lunchbreak at some seedy motel, or on a bathroom floor with the door locked whilst children sleep in their beds, speaks volumes about the relationship.

If it doesn't include something special then it really isn't anything special.

The date that changed my life

2007-06-10T21:43:00.001+10:00

We truly had a wonderful few days away. The place we stayed at was simply divine! Charlie picked it himself and kept it as a surprise for me.

I thought we would never reach our romantic getaway. We seemed to just keep driving and driving and driving! But I can assure you when we got there it was so worth it!

We stayed in a resort that overlooked the most sensational mountain range and gorgeous lake. It was actually built into the side of a mountain so you can imagine the views.

Check it out! You can just see the resort in the middle of the photo.

As you can see the views were absolutely amazing! Here is a zoomed in pic of the resort. You can just see the rooms below the reception office between the trees. They are actually built into the mountain so are a little diffcult to see.

To get to our room you had to go through darkened hallways and stairwells. The only light was the fairy lights that covered the ceilings. Because of the lighting level the photos really do not portray how magical it truly was.

We had a self contained studio suite, which was full of luxuries and all the mod cons you could want. The entire width of the suite was glass windows, overlooking the mountains and lake. These pics are the view we had from our suite which were taken from the back deck area of our suite.

On the deck there was a patio setting where Charlie and I sat and ate our breakfast each morning. The sky was constantly filled with little swallows and we watched them in awe as they darted here and there. They are a flitty little bird aren't they? And SO quick!

There was also a spa bath in the studio that overlooked the mountains. Charlie and I had a spa together every night of our romantic getaway. Charlie had packed a box of things before we left and included some of our favourite CD's, DVD's and candles. So we relaxed in the spa, with the suite drenched in flickering candlelight, sipping our red wine and listening to our CD's and watching the stars twinkling in the night sky. It was just gorgeous!

The resort was so private that at no stage did we even close the plantation shutters. We constantly walked around naked and not once did we feel cold! I guess that may have had something to do with the activities ;-) on offer! Or perhaps it was because of the amazing oldstyle logfire that was in the centre of the room.

Not once did we wear our watches, nor did we set an alarm clock. We let the natural light wake us in the morning. Charlie wakes earlier than me, so he gently woke me every morning with sensual kisses which usually led to other activites!

The best part of our escape was that we did absolutely nothing. We stayed at the resort, never venturing to the many tourist attractions nearby.

We played tennis. We went bushwalking. We made love. We layed on the bed and talked. We read a book together. We made love. We ate. We slept. We made love. We played scrabble. We drank wine. We made love.

We truly did have a romantic getaway and the date that changed my life last year, once again changed my life.

I wonder if.....

2007-06-02T20:11:00.001+10:00

The last week I have struggled because it was the actual "anniversary" of when he told me about his affair. He knew I was struggling so he surprised me and took me away for a very romantic break.

We stayed at the most amazing place, a resort set in a mountain side with absolutely gorgeous mountain views overlooking a lake. The cabin was SO romantic with its own spa and kitchen facilities.

We arrived late afternoon after taking a very leisurely drive to get there, sharing a counter lunch at a very cosy country pub with an open fireplace. At one stage we even went off road :-) for a quicky (lucky we have a 4WD).

The suite we stayed in had its own spa that overlooked the valley and lake. It was divine. We had our own fireplace and after dinner Charlie and I had a beautiful hot spa together under the stars, sharing a glass of red wine.

We originally opened a bottle of 'Arrogant Frog' but it was absolute crap and after only a sip we discovered it was cheap and trashy, just like a mistress, and tipped it down the sink before sharing a glorious bottle of 1999 shiraz.

We jumped out of the spa and layed naked in front of the fire place. Before too long Charlie and I were sharing intimate kisses, long and passionate kisses, hot and steamy kisses, his tongue inching over my entire body.

And as we became one, the shrill ring of my mobile phone broke the silence of passion (I have 2 phones because I have my personal one and also Charlie's old one due to having to change his number because the mistress continued to call him).

We were too entranced in each other to even be bothered checking the phone, so we ignored it, continuing to share each other in only the way true lovers could.

Less than 60 seconds later the ring of my mobile phone came between us once again.

Once again we did not even contemplate answering that call. Our attention was focused on each other. Nothing could come between us.

Charlie continued to make passionate love to me, and a few moments later the phone rang again.

And as Charlie continued to make passionate love to me, we once again ignored the phone. Nothing was more important than the intamacy we shared at that moment.

So as we lay there in front of the fire, holding each other tightly, legs entwined, both of us coming down from our orgasmic experience, we both began to see reality.

What if it was one of the kids? What if something has happened? We should check who it was because it must be urgent if someone calls 3 times in ten minutes at 10 o'clock at night.

I picked up the phone to see 3 missed calls from a number neither of us recognised. I returned the call. And as the phone rang I did not expect what happened next.

"Hi. You've called Mistress, ........" at which point I terminated the call.

You guessed it....she called again. Three calls in 10 minutes.

So I wonder if her "gorgeous man" she was being wooed by is aware of her continued desire to chase Charlie? Or is this another of her drunken imaginings?

And I wonder if "I'm sorry for the times I contacted you by phone, it was stupid of me" is just another of her weak and pitiful attempts to appear innocent.

And I wonder if "I have absolutely no wish to maintain any contact with you whatsoever. I promise you that I am over 'us' and that I am looking ahead and moving forward just like you" actually means "If I am in another of my drunken states that I can do whatever it is that I want to do". Or if it means "I can see you are moving forward with your life but you didn't want me so I am going to make your life hell".

And I wonder if "I am out of your lives" means I have the right to do whatever it is that I please because "I realise I was just a free fuck and suck for you"?

And I wonder if "and I wish whoever the smart arse anonymous is would stop keeping me in it" means "I am still trying to lie and cover my arse becasue I still am obsessed with you".

And I wonder if "After everything that has happened it would be so sad if your marriage didn't survive this. I think it will, and I think it will be stronger and better. Especially if you will please accept the truth that it's not me commenting and causing trouble." actually means "I love living a lie so I will tell every lie to make me look good". Or if it means "I love causing trouble because I am a desperate attention seeker".

I wonder if the new 'man' in her life is no longer a challenge because he left his wife for her and the challenge is now gone. And if she is again out to get Charlie because she never quite got her claws in far enough to Charlie to snag him wholly and she hates failing.

I wonder if she will ever get a grip on reality. Perhaps if she stopped drinking her $5 bottle of Queen Adelaide Chardonnay she would see things from a new perspective.

Somehow I don't think so.

SSSHHHH listen........

2007-05-21T23:23:00.001+10:00

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.

All of me

2007-05-06T11:51:00.002+10:00

"My Immortal" by Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Loss

2007-04-30T22:59:00.001+10:00

The day he moved out was terrible -
That evening she went through hell.
His absence wasn't the problem
But the corkscrew had gone as well.

Delusions of Granduer

2007-04-23T11:47:00.002+10:00

Are you still enjoying your unstable world? Your delusions of granduer?

Remember this comment from this blog entry?

Well let me tell you how much I enjoy my delusions of granduer. Let's look at my life last week.

I spent a lot of the week arranging many appointments with many high profile celebrities within my city. Many of these people know me, so they happily accepted my calls once they found out t was me and gladly met me to discuss an exciting new project I am currently working on.

So last week I had many luncheons and cups of coffee with high profile executives, politicians and celebrities...... you could say it was a hard week at work!

The project I am working on involves a wonderful community organisation who approached me to come and work for them as a PR/Marketing person, something that I have never done before in a paid role. The financial offer they gave me was by far too good to turn down, and I am having an absolute ball working from home and being paid bloody good money for it.

But the best day of all was Friday.

I went to my first official board/committee meeting for the organisation I am now working for. It was absolutely wonderful! I met everyone and they were all so welcoming, even having bottles of champagne and wine with nibblies to celebrate my appointment. I truly felt welcomed and everyone seemed so pleased to have me onboard!

After I got home from the meeting Charlie was taking me out to a concert of one of his favourite performers. I got ready in a flash and was ready to walk out the door. I sensed something was going on because of Charlie's behaviour and also the kids were acting very peculiarly.

I had no idea what was going on until the most amazing vintage car, a Packard in fact, turned up in the driveway. The Packard is the Rolls Royce of vintage cars, and indeed it was just that. It was stunning! The deep red velvet interior was just divine! And the driver was dressed up in a suit with a little bow tie, and he very much looked the part as he opened the door and held my hand as I got in the car.

So we travelled a scenic route to our destination whilst sipping on a glass of frightfully expensive champagne taht Charlie had purchased specially for the occasion. We managed to polish off the whole bottle whilst on our journey, which was only around 45 minutes.

And as we pulled up to our destination everyone stopped to look. The looks and smiles on their faces was truly amazing!

So in we went to the performance room where we were met by one of the club officials. She directed us to our seats, which were in the very front row of the VIP area. We were the only people in this area as she said she was honoured and privileged to have us attending one of her shows. She also arranged for another bottle of expensive champagne to be brought over to us to drink whilst watching the show.

And after the show, our Packard turned up to convey us home, this time driving via another scenic route. Our driver had even stopped to purchase us another bottle of champagne to consume on our return journey, but we declined his wonderful gesture because of the amount we had already consumed.

And as the driver opened the door and held my hand as I alighted from the vehicle, Charlie reached for his wallet to pay the driver for our return journey.

"I am absloutely honoured to have taken you in my car tonight Charlie, so in no way can I accept any form of payment from you. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity that you did tonight" .

So to answer your question if I am enjoying my delusions of granduer......HELL YEAH!!!

The daily grind

2007-02-20T22:22:00.002+11:00

The last 5 months there have been some great times shadowed with really dark times. It has been really easy for you to devote so much time to me hasn't it? You have been on leave from work, as have I. You have not had anywhere near the normal amount of outside commitments to fulfill. It has been relatively easy for you to take me out for lunch and to make those special dinners, hasn't it?

Let's look at the last 5 months Charlie. In the last 5 months I have felt very unloved. I have needed to feel that you were here because you wanted to be. You have showered me with cards and gifts, phone messages and emails and little love notes.

I asked you to take me out for dinner once a month. I asked you to take me away for a weekend every 3 months. I asked you to put me first and to treat me the same way you treat all your work colleagues and associates.

You nearly had me won over, didn't you? You nearly had me fooled that you had changed, that you did love me, that I was a priority in your life. You nearly had me convinced that leopards do change their spots.

But now that we are back into the normal daily grind things have gone right back to where they were 12 months ago. Only this time I see right through you.

Why do I once again have to fight to be a priority in your life? Because you thought you nearly had me won over that you could drop those balls Charlie? That I would just say "Oh well never mind" ?

What have you done in the last month to show that you are committed to this marriage Charlie? Have you purchased me any cards like you used to, just because? Have you made any time for ME and US? I got a bunch of flowers 3 weeks ago when I went away, a gorgeous bunch, very unexpected.

Have you sent me emails like you did 2 months ago? You sent me one...let's look at that very loving and devoted email in its entirety Charlie.

From: Charlie
Sent: Thursday, 15 February 2007 10:31 AM
To: Kate Jones
Subject: March 12
Do you know what you’re working on Monday March 12th.

I’ve been invited to play in a charity golf day at XXXXX.

It would probably see me being tied up till after 3pm. If you’re not off, it’s cool for me to knock it back. But if you are, I wouldn’t mind doing it

How many times have you taken me out for dinner Charlie, just you and I? Not a work function, just you and I, purely because you wanted to take ME out.

How many weekends have you taken me away, not a work related trip, but purely because you wanted to take me away? Remember the trip you were planning for us in January? Surprisingly you did not follow through on this promise did you? I can't remember the reason you gave, but you always try and justify letting me down.

Have you hidden anything from me? What about the meeting that you knew about for a week or so, the one that you told me about as you were walking out the door?

And what about the board meeting that you went to, you know the board that you joined because all the meetings would be held during the day and would not eat into family time, the board that we could do stuff with as a family, you know that one?Funnily enough you made dinner before you left for that meeting and could not eat dinner with us and we are yet to do ONE single thing as a family pertaining to the foundation you support.

And I see from the emails that you have committed to coaching again this winter. You did not bother to tell me, I figured it out when the season registration emails came through.

But I guess it's OK because family time won't suffer will it? Yeah right. The same as last year when your children wanted to go away for a weekend and we were given the opportunity to stay in a chalet in the snowfields for FREE. We did not end up going because you "couldn't let your boys down". Didn't mind letting YOUR biological children down though, did you?

But I guess that we still have Sunday don't we? Oh, hang on, we don't because you are tied up doing a weekly gig on a Sunday night and in order to fulfill your commitment you need to work Sunday morning to prepare.

And now today you shit on me again. We have decided to relaunch my business, this time making it bigger and better. The trade fair is on next month and YOU suggested you would come with me. The trip in itself hurts Charlie, leaves me with a bitter sweet taste in my mouth because it is a symbolic weekend.

Remember last year's expo? YOU let me down at the last minute, because you were asked to attend a school function, a stupid fucking school fete. YOU decided I could go on my own. I gave you back my wedding ring the night before I left and told you I would never put it back on.

And I haven't.

So today you tell me that you are doing a work function that weekend. Heaven forbid you should tell someone else you are not available because you are doing something with your wife! So you pulled the rug out from under ME again.

Only this time I have not fallen as hard because I EXPECTED it.

I EXPECTED you to let me down. I EXPECTED you to hurt me. I EXPECTED you to take me for granted.

After accepting years of this behaviour I EXPECT nothing less from you these days.

This is the pattern of our relationship, isn't it? When things get cosy you fill your life with outside interests and have no time for me. You take me for granted because I will always be there tomorrow.

You keep tipping fuel on the fire and then you run. You fucking turn your back and run because you can't handle the heat. You run.

"Oh well I got away with that one. The flames have tamed now. So I can afford to dump another container of fuel now because the flames are not that high."

And what happens Charlie? You singe your eyebrows and then you turn and run.

You honestly don't see why I feel the way I do, do you Charlie? You stand in front of me and say nothing has changed.

I disagree Charlie, because I have changed and I am no longer prepared to put up with you filling your life with outside interests and expecting me to just accept being the bottom of your list of your priorities.

And because I have changed I have had 4 months where you have wanted to spend time with me, not the usual 2 to 3 weeks before things go back to normal. This time it took a little longer to win me over, didn't Charlie? You thought you had me back, didn't you? You thought you could afford to throw some more fuel and run.

But guess what Charlie? This time I am running.

I've got a Golden Ticket

2007-02-19T10:25:00.001+11:00

I have suffered depression on and off for 6 years now. I have a great psychiatrist that has treated me during this period.

He once said to me that you "earn your way out of a marriage".

Well Charlie has given me a one way golden ticket out of here.

Up until now I could never seem to find the station, but I think I was heading down the wrong street.

I can see the station now and the train is pulling in.

The bubbles have burst

2007-02-15T22:02:00.002+11:00

My marriage used to be like a top shelf bottle of champagne. It was always sweet and
bubbly, divine to taste, leaving you with a wonderful delirious feeling with every cold mouthful on your tongue. Every delicious sip would leave you with spine chilling tingles. The bubbles would rise to the top easily and behind it would flow a smooth stream of delicate bubbles, floating to the top before bursting with delight.

The bottle was gorgeous too, and as the suns golden rays shone down on the bottle, streams of colourful light reflected all around it. Sure it had its slight imperfections and as the sun cast its shadow, the colourful rays of light lost there lustre. But there were never any major cracks within that bottle. It was always rock solid, water tight.

But it only took one cork screw to uncork the tight seal. And somehow that cork screw broke the beautiful bottle into pieces. It shattered the bottle, shards of glass exploded everywhere.

And now the sweet and precious wine has become affected by the exposure.The flavour now lacks something. It just isn't the same. It doesn't sparkle. It doesn't bubble. It doesn't taste sweet and fruity. An occasional bubble rises to the top of the bottle, but overall it is flat and has sour undertones.

My marriage is in pieces and no matter how I try to put the pieces back together they never seem to fit. It doesn't matter how Charlie tweaks the pieces trying to make them fit together perfectly, there are always gaps, gaps filled with hurt and anger, mistrust and sceptisism, doubt and fear.

There will always be visible gaps in the bottle now. There will always be some form of hurt and anger, mistrust and sceptism, doubt and fear.

I don't know that the pieces will ever fit well enough to hold it together. I don't know that I want to keep picking up the pieces. I don't know that I even want to keep filing the sharp edges off the pieces. I don't know that I want to turn the pieces around to make them fit better.

Because at the end of the day there will always be gaps between the pieces and at the moment all I see is the pile of rubble lying on the floor in front of me, the pieces that used to be my marriage.

A plea from the Mistress

2007-02-13T21:23:00.000+11:00

Seeing as though I had so many requests for what was in the email, I decided to post it.

Sorry, only joking!

But I have decided to post a few little snippets from the mistress' email.

"I feel that I must send you this note because of the shit that continues in blogland."

I find this interesting when it appears that either the mistress or her 'friends' are the very people stirring up trouble in blogland.

"I have absolutely no wish to maintain any contact with you whatsoever."

That I find laughable, because you just contacted him!!!!

"None of my friends would be childish enough to cause trouble in this way."

I would not have thought that any one of her 'friends' could be bothered to obsessively search blogland, wading through how many blogs, to find our blogs and then pass the address on to other 'friends' so they could read and leave harassing comments.

So who exactly could be bothered? Who would have the vested interest in remaining in our lives?

"Especially if you will please accept the truth that it's not me commenting and causing trouble."

So I guess the mistress is such a truly honest person that I should believe her? I think not. And further more, some of the details that have been eluded to are extremely personal, details that even a mistress would not have told her friends, such as the nickname Charlie used to call the mistress' child.

"I am out of your lives..."

There you have it, the words of wisdom from the mistress. She is out of our lives.

And a personal request for the anonymous commenters from the mistress herself, the very commenters who are obviously VERY close friends with the mistress, "I wish whoever the smart arse anonymous is would stop keeping me in it.

Well there you have, the plea from the mistress. So now all you anonymous commenters please remember the mistress' words.

"Oh Lord...Deliver me from temptation"

2007-02-11T17:45:00.001+11:00

From: The Mistress[mailto:mistress@yahoo.com.au]
Sent: Monday, 5 February 2007 7:24 AM
To: Charlie
Subject: White flag

Dear Charlie,

It's against my better judgement to send you this e-mail. I plead with you not to use it against me legally (I will attempt to word this in such a way that I'm not breaching anything), and that it won't become the subject of a blog.

So you guessed it. She emailed AGAIN!

Only this time she has 'begged' him not to use it against her or for it to become the subject of a blog.

I wonder if I can hold back from the temptation. It had some great stuff in it!!!

I guess she didn't ask me not to use it on MY blog!

HeHeHe!!!!

You didn't answer

2007-02-06T13:11:00.001+11:00

The last few days have been really hard for me. Lots of doubt, lots of questions, lots of pain.

I had to go interstate and leave you at home. You knew that this caused me grief because we spoke about. You promised me that you would not let me down. You even made a suggestion that we went together on the weekend, but as usual that just didn't fit with your work commitments. Funny that, heh? Same old, same old, isn't it Charlie?

So I packed the car and left after grabbing some crap to eat on the way at the local drive thru. God I hate that crap, but I just wanted to reach my destination to see my kids.

I had only travelled 25 minutes into the trip and had to call you for something. I can't remember what it was but it was probably not anything of significance.

You didn't answer.

I went numb. I broke out in a sweat. My heart raced.

I was driving but really cannot remember anything else. I was in a daze. This wasn't happening. You wouldn't do this to me, would you?

I had to swallow to stop myself from throwing up. I didn't want to pull over because I knew that I would be violently ill on the side of the road. Not only that, but if I pulled over I would turn back and I knew I had no choice but to keep going.

So I drove.

With my heart in my throat and sweat dripping down my face, I drove.

And then you called.

I was in tears, just about hysterical. I didn't even want to answer my phone. I didn't want to speak to you. I didn't want to hear the inevitable.

But I answered.

You knew I was distressed. I was sobbing. But I couldn't speak to tell you what was wrong. I just drove whilst crying down the phone line into your ear that was miles away.

You had no idea what was wrong. You asked me, but still I could not speak. You continued to ask but the words would not come out. They were stuck behind my lunch that sat at the back of my throat, waiting to be rejected by my body.

I finally calmed down enough to speak.

I screamed at you. I yelled abuse at you. I ranted. I swore at you, calling you all sorts of names.

You cried with me. You apologised and again promised that you would not let me down. You simply couldn't get your phone out of your pocket in time to answer it before it diverted to message bank.

I fucking hate my life at the moment. So much distrust, so much scepticism, so much doubt, so much paranoia, so much pain.

Thanks Charlie for turning such an everyday trip to visit my parents into a living fucking nightmare for me.

From the bottom of my heart......thank you.

The Best Birthday Present EVER

2007-01-24T10:45:00.001+11:00

12.01 am
Charlie snuggled into my back, wrapping his arms tightly around my body and tenderly kissing my neck, quietly whispered in my ear "Happy birthday my darling".

I turn my head toward him and smile. He passionately kisses me on the lips as his soft, smooth hands massage my back and he gently scratches my bare skin with his well groomed fingernails.

Before too long, he is tenderly making love to me and as we both succumb to the pleasure of one another, we drift into unconsciousness holding each other closely, my head snuggled into his neck below his chin.

Approx 8.00 am
I don't know the exact time because I was half asleep, but I awoke to Charlie kissing my toes. With each kiss, he came a little higher up my body. With each kiss he gave me a reason why he loved me.

"I love you because you are my girl"

"I love you because you have the most amazing blue eyes."

"I love your nail marks." (aka chicken pox scars)

"I love you because you are beautiful."

"I love your little hands."

"I love you because you understand me like no-one else ever has."

The messages he gave me were rated on where he was planting the kisses...so I won't divulge some of the X-rated ones!

So once again he made tender love to me and once again we dozed holding each other closely, like a koala holding onto its mother.

10.00 am
Charlie once again wakes me. He laid down on the bed and we fooled around for a bit before getting up.

I jumped into the shower and reached up to find my shampoo bottle. On the top of my shampoo bottle I found a little note from Charlie along with one of my favourite chocolates. I giggled and thought "How cute!"

As I was getting dressed ready to go out for lunch I proceeded to find little handwritten notes and chocolates all over the house, places like in the microwave, on top of my coffee jar, on top of my skim milk, on my mobile phone.

The notes were gorgeous, some of them being "My heart still flutters when I get an SMS from you" stuck on top of my phone, "I don't think you understand how much I love you!" on top of my shampoo bottle, "I think you are HOT!" in the microwave, "You have the most gorgeous mouth that I have ever seen" and "Kiss me you fool" on my toothbrush.

And of course I did kiss him!

12.00 pm
We went out for lunch and shopping!

We went to the newest shopping centre which is absolutely massive. It was the best shopping outing I have ever had with Charlie. He did not look at his watch once, we held hands like teenage lovers, he dragged me into his arms and held me tightly while he kissed me passionately, oblivious to all the passers by looking on with smiles on their faces.

We discovered the most amazing book store. It was absolutely HUGE! And of course I purchased another book...like I really needed another one!

We chose a few things for the house and also discovered a fantastic shop that sold the most exquisite liquers and fortified spirits. We selected a Chocolate Port and purchased it as well.

Charlie had some shopping to do as he was planning something for my birthday evening at home, so he dropped me home before going out to the shops alone. I didn't mind because I had my new book to keep me entertained.

5.00pm
Charlie returned from his shopping spree and banished me to my room. I was not at all phased because I had read a few pages of my new book and could not wait to read it in its entirety.

Charlie went out to the rumpus room to wrap the gift that he had purchased for my birthday. He then went to the kitchen to start preparing my birthday dinner. I felt like a little girl sent to her bedroom for being naughty because I was still not allowed out of my room!

6.00pm
Charlie entered my bedroom and asked me to join him for dinner. As I entered the dining room he 'pops' the champagne cork and lovingly looks at me.

There are candles burning in the centre of the dining table. He has selected 5 of my favourite CD's and has them playing softly in the background.

On the table was a beautifully wrapped gift waiting to be unwrapped. Alongside the gift were two cocktail bowls, the same bowls Charlie purchased for the night that he first made dinner for me all those years ago.

In those bowls Charlie had made Prawn cocktails, the very same dish that he made as entree on that first night that I went to his house for dinner, the same night that we first made love.

So we ate, we drank the bottle of champagne and we listened to CD's. We once again fooled around, kissing each other passionately and making rude comments about what we were going to do to one another when we finally went to bed.

8.30 pm
We decided we had better make dinner! So we opened the best bottle of red on the wine rack, nothing arrogant, and went into the kitchen to prepare dinner together. I chopped the fresh herbs, coriander, mint and parsley, and the shallots, whilst Charlie tossed a beautiful fresh lebanese salad with his gorgeous hands, looking over the top of his glasses smiling at me and telling me how much he loves me.

We laughed and talked. We smiled and giggled. We lovingly gazed at each other whilst again making suggestions of what would happen when the lights later went out in the bedroom.

And once again Charlie banished me to my room.

9.30 pm
Charlie called me out of my room to join him on the back deck for dinner.

It was absolutely gorgeous!

He had turned the fairy lights on that cover the deck area and lit candles all around. He lit the candles on my new wall sconce and they looked divine!

And as I walked out onto the back deck, he pressed play on the remote control for the stereo. He had set up the stereo to play Ronan Keating's song 'Superman'.

"Superman" by Ronan Keating
Album : Bring you home

I've been heading in the wrong direction
Hiding from my own protection
Running but my heart was standing still
I guess you saw the light inside me
Your love has been a torch to guide me
I hope I can be all that you deserve.

Well I'm no superman,
But I'll love you the best I can
And you know I'm just flesh and bones,
But with you
I feel I'm flying
Don't you know I'm no superman
But I'll always be your man.

I was searching for a heart that's beating
As fast as the way I'm feeling
Trying to find some peace there in my soul
You know it was your love that saved me
The answer to my prayers you gave me
And I hope I'll be all your deserve.

I'd fight for you,
I'd die for you
You know I would
Hold back the night, light up the sky,
Oh if I could I'll always be your man.....yeah

He grabbed me and held me close to him. He promised never to let me down again. He cried as he told me how sorry he was for hurting me and how much he loved me.

Needless to say we both cried.

We sat down together and ate the most wonderful meal and drank a fabulous bottle of red wine. We talked and we reminisced. We laughed and we cried.

We talked about the last 9 years. We talked about the last 12 months. But most importantly we spoke about tomorrow, something I haven't been able to do for a long time.

As we finished our meal with divine King Island Dairy Brie and Chocolate Port we discovered the time was passed 2am.

So we finished the bottle of Chocolate Port and after consuming a bottle of champagne, a bottle of red and a bottle of Chocolate Port we finished the evening with pure unadulterated drunken SEX!

And once again fell asleep in each others arms.

It was the best birthday EVER!

Karma is a BITCH!

2007-01-22T23:03:00.001+11:00

Charlie told me something over the weekend that he has never told me before.

The week before I learnt of the affair I became very ill. I had a severe infection through my lymph system and nearly faced surgery. I was in a hell of alot of pain and as a consequence could not eat or get out of bed.

So I lost some weight!

Once I got better, and seemed to take an eternity, I decided to keep going on the weight loss journey and have managed to lose a substantial amount of weight, doubling what I lost through the illness.

I have dropped 3 dress sizes and I feel fantastic! Everyone comments on my new figure, not that I was ever really big before.

Well it has been a real bugger that I had to go shopping and buy myself a new wardrobe of clothes, but I have completed my mission and have managed to pick up some absolutely gorgeous clothes.

So I bet you are asking where Karma fits into it?

Well Charlie told me that whilst I was losing all my weight the Mistress was actually gaining a significant amount of weight.

I guess she wanted was mine so she has it now, only I don't think this was what she bargained on!

I wonder if she needs any new clothes as I have a HUGE pile ready to donate to charity that no longer fit me.

Karma is a bitch!

"Tell mummy about your new friends"

2007-01-17T22:44:00.001+11:00

So you took the kids out this week and spent some one on one time with them whilst I was at work.

How fucking noble of you.

Did you use this chance to catch up with the Mistress like you did once before? Remember the time you took our children to a local tourist attraction whilst I slept after a night shift?

I do. I will never forget. I believed you were thinking of me and being a wonderful dad and husband. I never even questioned you, but recall kissing you and thanking you for being so thoughtful. How fucking naïve was I?

You had arranged to meet the mistress at that location with her children. Was this part of your plan, grooming the children so the sudden shock did not impact them when you moved in with her? After all you weren’t moving in with a stranger because they had met this woman, hadn't they? They already knew her and their new step sister and step brother. Don’t tell me, you only had the kids’ best interests in mind, didn’t you?

And did you enjoy coming home and telling me that they had met some new friends? “Tell mummy about your new friends.” You even told me their ‘new friends’ names. Did that feel good rubbing it in my face?

Here I was thinking you were such a wonderful daddy and husband, thinking of me so I could sleep after coming off night shift and wanting to spend some quality time with your children.

And all the while it was to get another hit, to fill that urgent desire to feed your addiction. Had it been one of the weeks where you had not seen her and you were suffering from withdrawal symptoms, desperate for your next hit?

And now, months after this event, I am the one that is racked with consuming thoughts through the simple fatherly act of you taking the children out whilst I am at work. It leads me into despair deep enough to make me feel nauseous.

Does the affair continue? Is this another of your secret meetings? Or are you already out looking for the next one and using your children as a tool? How appealing would that be to all those ‘single and looking’ females at the same place, a committed father that is taking his kids out on his own to a local attraction?

How pathetic have I become that I question your motive for spending quality time with your children? Are you happy with the monster that you have created?

Do you like this being that is now me, a former shadow of herself? How on earth could you possibly like such a person? Why on earth would you love this creature that stands before you?

I hope you are happy with the new me, because I can’t stand to look at her in the mirror. I can't stand the suspicious mind, the lingering doubt, the distrust, the unanswered questions.

There are times when I look at you and hate you. I hate you for treating me the way you treat me and for doing what you did. But then I realise I created the monster within you, because I allowed you to treat me the way you did.

I put up with it. I allowed you to get away with it. I gave you chance after chance. I accepted your lies. I accepted your selfish behaviour. I accepted being second best to everything else that was in your life.

I was the fool that set the precedent.

Well guess what Charlie? Not anymore!

NOT ANYMORE!!!

Fear of the unknown

2007-01-15T09:57:00.001+11:00

I love shopping! I am a shopaholic! I am addicted to searching for that absolute bargain that you simply have to purchase or the absolutely gorgeous outfit and matching pair of shoes, or the perfect painting for the living room wall.

Charlie and I went shopping over the weekend to the major shopping centre in our local area, the same shopping centre that I have been going to for the last 8 years, the same shopping centre that I know the location of every business, bank, service and bathroom, the same shopping centre that houses my jeweller, beautician and hairdresser, the same shopping centre where I do both my personal banking and business banking, the same shopping centre Charlie and I do our grocery shopping.

Many of the business owners and customer service people know me by name. They see me and they ask how I am. They ask how my children are by name. Even the lady at the major chain store that checks bags as you leave knows my name!

And yet for some reason, whilst shopping with Charlie and our children, I felt so uncomfortable walking around that centre. Suddenly I could not wait to get out of the very shopping centre that has seen many lunches and coffees with friends, laughs and smiles with my husband and children, and many special gifts purchased for family and friends.

As Charlie and I sat in the food court with our children and ate lunch, I kept scanning the food court. I did not understand at the time what it was that I was looking for. But I suddenly realised what it was and nearly choked on a mouthful of food.

I was fearful of running into the Mistress.

She really has no reason to be in this shopping centre as she lives on the other side of town. However, I would not be at all surprised that her obsession would bring her shopping to my local centre in the hope of running into me or Charlie.

At first I did not know why I was fearful of running into her because she does not frighten me. I was trying to work out why I was fearful when it suddenly dawned on me.

I was afraid of the unknown.

I was afraid because I did not know how I would react to her if indeed I did run into her.

Would I acknowledge her? Would I even recognise her? Would I simply walk away? Would I be overcome with emotion? Would I react in a negative way due to the emotion? Or would I just keep my head held high like I have all along whilst dealing with the Mistress’ irrational and unnecessary behaviour?

How would she react? How would Charlie react? How would they react toward each other?

It saddens me to think that something I enjoyed and loved has now become tainted because of a tainted love.

It sickens me to know that I am the person that pays everyday when merely carrying out everyday things such as shopping.

It pains me to have to feel so much pain for crimes that I did not commit.

I wonder if I will ever be able to wander aimlessly through a shopping centre again, my mind totally free from these consuming thoughts.

"Push me higher Daddy!"

2007-01-06T03:02:00.001+11:00

As the sun streams through the bright blue sky scattered with huge white fluffy clouds, the swing in the park silently hangs from its metal frame, awaiting the attention of an innocent child.

The little girl runs excitedly over to the swing, looking back with her big blue eyes and curly blonde hair blowing freely in the gentle breeze, at her adoring father who is several paces behind.

And as she climbs up onto the weathered seat, she squeals excitedly “Push me Daddy. Push me.”

The little girl’s doting dad lovingly grants her request and pushes her. The smile on the little girls face brightens the day even more as her squeals of delight fill the air.

“Push me higher Daddy! Push me higher!”

And once again the little girl’s dad grants her request and pushes her higher into the sky, laughing and joking about the possibility of her flying off into the clouds with the birds.

As the swing is pushed higher into the air, she feels weightless and carefree, totally uninhibited, with not a care in the world. Nothing can stop her feeling of euphoria. She is floating in mid air, flying up to the clouds, looking down onto the world in a surreal dream. She feels the breeze blowing effortlessly through her hair and arches her body, leaning back on the swing to soak in the dizzy feeling created by closing her eyes.

And without warning the little girl cries out to her dad .....

“Stop. I want to get off. I've had enough.”

The Christmas present from hell

2006-12-31T22:06:00.001+11:00

I received a DVD for Christmas from my sister. She lives over 8 hours away so it was sent through the post for me to unwrap on Christmas Day. Nothing unusual about buying a DVD as a present. Only this one was the DVD from hell.

My sister had made a DVD for me of my wedding.

She called me Christmas night. I thanked her for her gift. She asked me if I had watched it and at that stage I hadn't. Truth be told, I didn't want to watch it. She has no idea of the current status of my marriage as it is something I have chosen not to share with her.

But yesterday after lunch, my little girl excitedly wanted to sit down and watch it with me. Charlie and I sat down with our children to watch the DVD of our wedding day.

My stomach was tight and my head was spinning. As I sat there in silence, the tears began to well in my eyes. There was a continuous stream of tears running down my face.

She had included the 'behind the scenes' stuff like the morning at the hairdressers and us girls getting ready, right through to the reception. And the background music she used was the songs from our wedding CD that we gave to every one of guests.

I was not at all nervous. I was so excited and lost for words. There was a smile on my face for the entire day.

There was my message to Charlie, telling him how much I loved him and how I could not wait to be Mrs Jones. There were messages from my close friends wishing us a lifetime of love and happiness. There was laughter and there were tears.

The DVD then showed us saying our vows. At the point the celebrant said "Marriage according to law in Australia is the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all other, voluntarily entered into for life", I could not take anymore.

I ran from the room. Charlie followed me.

And as I once again had my head over the toilet, violently throwing up, he gently rubbed my back.

A new tradition ....

2006-12-29T11:47:00.001+11:00

I have been feeling a little down the last couple of days. I love Christmas but always feel exhausted afterward.

However, this time it is different. I am not just exhausted. My mind is racing with different thoughts of Charlie and the mistress.

Thoughts like had they made Christmas plans? Did he intend to spend Christmas with her and her children and not bother with our children? Or had he planned to take my children away from me so I could spend Christmas alone?

Would he have sat down to consume the customary plate of goodies left out for Santa at the mistress' residence whilst I went to bed alone?

Were they planning a holiday away after Christmas, because Charlie and I always go on a family holiday in the New Year. Was he planning to just leave our children at home whilst he holidayed with the mistress and her children?

Had she asked for a particular gift? Did he have something in mind to purchase for her?

Would they have started a little tradition like Charlie and I? Our tradition is a 'naughty' present with a value of no more than $20, that we give each other in bed on Christmas Eve.

Needless to say this year I could not purchase that gift. My mind just wasn't there although Charlie's was.

Thank God Christmas is over!

2006-12-28T10:53:00.001+11:00

I love Christmas! But I am also glad to see the back of it!

It is such a hectic time of year that come Boxing Day I am exhausted. To make it worse this year I was back at work on Boxing Day.

Needless to say we have had a wonderful Christmas, with loads of pressies under the Christmas tree, heaps of great food and many bottles of wine being consumed.

I was very spoilt with lots of presents. I can't tell you about some of them ;-) , but one I will tell you about .......... you know that piercing I have wanted? Well now I can't chicken out of it because Charlie has purchased me a gift voucher to have it done!

Thanks for all your well wishes for me and my family. I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas and I look forward to catching up with everyone soon.

Kate

A welcome distraction

2006-12-22T16:33:00.001+11:00

I remember our discussions about having children. You were scared. You didn’t want any children. I still remember the look in your eyes and the way you looked at me when you said “Will you still love me?”

The simple act of sex when trying to conceive a child takes on a whole new meaning. It becomes precious and meaningful and I remember making love to you became even more special.

The memories of when we were trying to conceive our children are still vivid, as if it was only yesterday. The daily ritual of charts and thermometers, documenting ovulation days and every time we made love are forever etched in my memory.

I remember how excited you were when my period was due and how you would race to the supermarket to buy me a pregnancy test, sometimes even before my period was due!

And I can still remember the absolute joy that you expressed when I told you that we were expecting a little person of our own, a creation of both you and I, something that was unique to us and only us.

We had created a new life, a little person that we would love until our dying day. A little person that we would hold dreams for, that we would teach right from wrong, that we would love unconditionally.

I remember you rubbing my back whilst I had my head in the toilet throwing up everyday. I remember you tenderly wiping my face, lathered in sweat from the constant morning sickness that lasted all day, everyday, for what seemed to be an eternity.

I remember you consoling me when I believed we had once again lost the child we had created through miscarriage. I can remember you tenderly and lovingly telling me that it would be OK and that we would just try again.

I remember laying in bed with your beautiful soft hands on my growing tummy, eagerly waiting to feel the first flutters of our growing child’s arms and legs. And as my tummy swelled with our precious child, I can remember you talking passionately to my ‘bump’, sweetly singing to my belly and telling our unborn child how much you loved them and could not wait for them to arrive.

I remember the many discussions we had trying to choose a name for our baby. I remember the many times we discussed the dreams we held for our child. I remember the anticipation and excitement as we drew closer to meeting our precious child.

I can still remember your soft hands rubbing my back with every contraction. And as the hours dragged on and your tiredness became increasingly obvious, your immense support overshadowed everything else.

And as our precious first born made her way into the world I can remember the tears falling down your cheeks. I can still remember you looking at me with adoring eyes, holding me so close and telling me how much you loved me.

I can remember you holding our beautiful daughter in your arms, tenderly looking down into her perfect little face, and you telling her how much you loved her already and that you were going to be the best daddy.

And you have been a wonderful daddy!

And so recently when you suggested that we get pregnant again all of these wonderful memories came flooding back. I would welcome the closeness that we experienced, the immense love, the excited anticipation. It would be such a welcome distraction to the pain and heartache that I currently feel everyday.

But there is no way I would do it. I could not conceive a child in the current circumstances. It would be a band aid solution. It would be a lie.

A child should be conceived in a stable environment, to parents that are in love with each other, that hold the same dreams, travelling the same path and going in the same direction.

Right now I don’t believe we are on the same path. As much as I crave to feel the closeness and happiness that I once felt from ‘us’, I know this is not the way to achieve it.

Although, for the first time in my life, I understand why couples have a child to hold a marriage together or a 'make-up' baby after an affair.

Maybe one day we will share the joy of another child.

Maybe.

I will rise above it!

2006-12-20T11:15:00.001+11:00

Charlie and I are both really struggling today.

As some of you are aware I was subjected to a tirade of nasty comments yesterday from none other than the mistress herself. She has found Charlie's blog and absolutely let fly with anonymous comments aimed at Charlie, me and our supporters/readers.

It would be so easy for me to retaliate with a nasty poison pen post. But I am remaining strong. I am not going to let her reopen the wounds that have healed.

It is really hard. I so want to write that post. But I will not allow myself to stoop to the same levels as the mistress. I will not allow her to severe the sutures that have stopped the blood flow from the open wounds.

I will not do it. I will not react and give her more attention. I won't do it.

I pray that I remain strong. Getting personal does not change anything that has happened. There is nothing to be achieved from writing that post. I will remain strong.

I will cop her attacks on the chin. It only continues to prove to me that she has an unhealthy obsession with me and my marriage. She is irrational and delusional. I will not stoop to the same lows.

Yes she is reading this blog. Yes she is reading Charlie's blog. Yes she is continuing to stalk me throughout blogland.

I will rise above it. I will not let her take me to her low level.

I will continue to hope that she realises what she is doing and will finally move on, as I have.

He does not love you. He never did love you. He used you. He will not come back to you. It was all lies.

The sooner these facts are realised and accepted then the quicker she will heal.

Please send her your prayers.

And send me your prayers to remain strong and not write that post!

So I'll let you fly

2006-12-19T20:18:00.001+11:00

So Charlie called in to my house whilst I was at work. He left a present for me on my bedside table before he left and called me at work to tell me he had left it.

When I came home I was apprehensive about even going into my bedroom. But I took a deep breath and ventured toward my bedside table.

I saw an envelope addressed to me, well the nickname Charlie uses for me, and picked it up. I held it in my hands, turning it over numerous times, not really knowing if I wanted to open it or not.

I hesitated again but gathered the strength to open it.

Charlie had written "I cried so much when I heard this song this morning. Listen to it and cry with me."

I looked at my bedside table and found a CD he had burnt for me. It was only one song but I think the song says it all.

"Always Be My Baby"
by Mariah Carey

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you will always be mine
Now you wanna be free
So I'll let you fly
'Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die no no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

I aint gonna cry no oh
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably
you'll be back again
'Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that
you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

And as the tears streamed down my face, I couldn't help but think how I had to let him go and how hard that decision was to make.

It's no longer about....

2006-12-16T12:40:00.001+11:00

He now realises how he has betrayed me.

He now realises the severity of his betrayal.

He now realises that he would have worked on his marriage and tried to correct the problems if he never had the mistress on the scene.

He now realises how much he has hurt me.

He now realises how many times he has let me down.

He now realises how badly he has treated me.

He now realises how wrong it was to do what he did.

He now realises he was never in love with the mistress.

He now realises how much he loves me and wants me back.

He shows me how sorry he is. He smothers me with gifts. He gives me beautiful cards. He tells me multiple times in a day how sorry he is and how much he loves me, how he wants to grow old with me, how he never stopped loving me, how he needs me.

But all of a sudden these things pale into insignificance. They are no longer important to me. Cards and flowers are easy as is making a dinner reservation or booking a hotel room for a naughty weekend away.

Do they show commitment? Do they show that he will never betray me again? Do they address the real issues in this marriage? Do they convince me that he is sorry?

He tells me he is trying? Is he?

He tells me he loves me. Does he?

He tells me he will never do this again. Will he?

He tells me this time it is different. Is it?

I am not convinced. Flowers, cards and dinner reservations do not convince me.

This time it is different because I have not allowed myself to be pulled back with 3 weeks of 'good behaviour'. We are now playing a different game, a game that he chose to play by becoming involved with another woman whilst married to me.

The rules have changed because he moved the goal posts. The things that used to make a difference no longer do. I've played that game and no longer get any form of enjoyment from it.

Is the sun going down on this marriage because it seems that no matter how I explain it, he just never gets it.

He tells me he'll try harder. Does that mean I will get flowers everyday of the week instead of 2 or 3 times in a week?

It doesn't matter how many times he gives me a card or a bunch of flowers. It doesn't matter how many SMS messages he sends me. It doesn't matter how many times he tells me he loves me because I don't believe it. It doesn't matter how many times he tells me his sorry because I don't believe it.

It's no longer about spending time with me. It's no longer about showing me how much he loves me. It's no longer about him being honest with me. It's no longer about him talking to me about things.

It's now about why he did it. It's now about why he isn't going to do it again. It's now about why he lies. It's now about why he is so needy. It's now about why he isn't going to treat me that way again.

And it is only when he can answer these why's that I will be able to answer why it is that I would want to go back.

In the dead of night

2006-12-13T20:45:00.001+11:00

It's been a busy day.

It's been a trying day, as everyday is at the moment. I am exhausted physically and emotionally.

After a long hot shower I drop onto the bed dressed in my jimmie jams and can't wait to drift into unconsciousness and get some much needed rest.

And as my racing mind starts to drift in and out of peacefulness, and my body's last waking muscle drifts into unconsciousness, the shrill ring of Charlie's mobile wakes me from my slumber.

He answers it in a semi conscious state, not really comprehending who he is speaking with.

"Hello"

"Hi. It's just me."

"Mmmmm"

"I just called to see if you are OK"

Am I dreaming? No.

Yep you guessed it. It was the mistress AGAIN. She called in the dead of night last night.

So today I had another busy day. I read recently the best way to fight fire is with cold water.

Well I am icy cold because today I changed Charlie's mobile phone number!

Is it just me, or now that the fire has been extinguished, is it cold in here?

And this is MY song

2006-12-11T21:59:00.000+11:00

I Will Survive
by Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

It's JUST a song!

2006-12-11T12:49:00.001+11:00

Well I must have jinxed myself yesterday. After writing that post I went to the supermarket for some groceries. I was only in the supermarket for a matter of minutes when a song came on that affected me badly.

My body went numb and my mind raced. I was tempted to just push the trolley to the side of the aisle and flee. I had to breathe deeply but somehow I managed to keep it together.

I was angry. I was hurt. I was numb. I was dazed.

So what did I do? I picked up my phone and called you at work to tell you what was playing. You didn't answer so I left a voice mail message for you. You saw I had called so called me back without checking your messages.

You said you were sorry. You said it won't always be this hard. You said that you loved me and just wanted to fix it. You said if there were anything that you could do to take away the pain, then you would do it without hesitation.

So after work you came over to my place and asked how my day had been. You knew I was struggling. You knew I was in pain. You acknowledged I was having a bad afternoon.

You also asked me in an incredulous way what had caused me to plummet down. "Just the song?" you asked.

Well let me tell you what "Just the song" is.

It is YOU taking the time to plan a special CD for HER.

It is YOU taking the time to burn it for HER.

It is YOU thinking enough of HER to make something so special.

It is YOU thinking outside the square to give something so individual to HER.

It is YOU giving it to HER.

It is YOU listening to it with HER.

It is YOU sharing special songs that have meaning with HER.

It is YOU probably fucking HER after listening to it.

It is probably YOU giving it to HER when you went interstate. Do the lyrics hold special meaning?
Cause tonight is the night, for feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through

I guess I really shouldn't have any hard feelings toward this should I? Afterall I have a CD that you made for me too, one that we gave all our wedding guests.

Remember this? And don't forget the gorgeous cover that had a beautiful professional picture of us hugging and said

"Today I married my friend,
the one I laugh with,
live for, dream with,
Love."

But I suppose in your eyes it holds no special meaning cause it is "Just songs".

FUCK YOU CHARLIE!

Everyday is a journey

2006-12-10T16:14:00.001+11:00

Everyday is a journey....a decision we make that could change everything in one moment...it happens with all of us.

Sometimes we just need to be confident in the path we have choosen to take and know no matter what is at the end of this road...we will be stronger

Every morning I wake up not really knowing what the day will bring me. Somedays are good, other days are not.

Some days see me consumed with pain, writhing in anger towards the broken promises my husband made to me. Other days I simply exist within this marriage, not really feeling any pleasure or happiness.

Some days I wake up feeling great, but before the day is out, something has sent me spiralling downward. Often they are little things that trigger my dark descent, like driving past the airport that my husband flew out of with his mistress for her less than 24 hours of 'fun', or a song that is played on the radio.

I found a piece of paper the other day that upset me greatly. He made her a CD and I found the list of songs that he had written down and how he placed them in order. That just about killed me.

My journey used to be so easy. Now it is a long and rocky path, a difficult path that is often overgrown with trees and bushes that gnarl your skin as you walk on by. It doesn't matter how far you seem to have travelled, you never seem to get anywhere. You always feel as though you are still in the same spot, surrounded by darkness.

It appears that my journey has brought me to a fork in the road. I stand here in a grey gloominess not quite being able to see far enough down the road for my liking. I am not confident to take either path. Both paths are totally unknown and I am so uncertain of what lay ahead for me.

For the moment I have decided to take shelter beneath the dark and gloomy sky. And as I flatten out the creases in my picnic rug I hope and pray that the clouds begin to move and allow the sun to shine through, lighting the way of the path that is to be my destiny.

Angel in the Mist

2006-12-07T23:01:00.001+11:00

I had a wonderful day with my Angel friend through the week. It is amazing how she is so in tune with my needs. We both have very busy lives but we always seem to know when we need to contact the other person.

So she called me and organised a day at the beauticians for us. I never argue with her. I simply tell her if I am available and she makes all the arrangements.

So after our pedicures, manicures and massages we went for a coffee. She could see I was in pain and she tried to convince me it is all worth it.

She told me how in the last few weeks she has finally been able to look at her husband and feel overwhelming emotion toward him. She is once again 'in love' with him.

She told me how she struggled with her emotions. She told me of the many lows that she endured to get where she is today, but now she was enjoying the highs.

She told me her husband had also informed her that he was in love with the other woman, and how she struggled to let go of that. She told me it had taken her around 18 months to be able to be civil toward her husband after he told her of his affair.

She told me how she used to feel as though she was losing it emotionally and that the turning point for her healing was when she developed some compassion toward her husband and his addiction.

She asked me if I felt any compassion for Charlie. I answered truthfully and said "None at all."

I guess she was a little shocked at my response. She thought I would be further along the path of healing.

What she did not realise was that Charlie had gone back to his mistress numerous times after telling me of his affair. Once I told her this she shared my pain and we sat there and cried together.

She was lucky. Her husband never continued to lie and deceive her. He came back and did not go back to the mistress at all. She did not have the hurt of continual contact and secret rendevous that I have had to deal with.

She reinforced how much he adores me and that it can work. She told me that what we will have will be so much better than what we had that it is so worth hanging in there. She told me that she knows how hard it is but I have to soften to him.

She asked me if I loved him and I could not answer.

"I never considered myself a mistress"

2006-12-05T11:44:00.001+11:00

I was reading one of my favourite blogs and came across a very interesting comment written by the mistress.

"Although, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I never considered myself a mistress as the man in question was separated from his wife."

Interesting! Very interesting!

Let’s examine this statement a little more closely.

My husband met his mistress in November and became involved with her sexually in December.

Weeks later in January my husband and I went on our usual summer holiday and had a great time with our children. We also celebrated my birthday in January by staying in the Presidential Suite of a 5 star hotel and going hot air ballooning, all arranged as a surprise by my husband that had supposedly left me. I have wonderful photos of both of these occasions, like the sunrise on this post.

Another interesting thing is a comment the mistress left on my husband's blog in February in relation to a post that he had written. The mistress has always had a smart mouth and received many comments from other readers.

Looking back at the comments she used to write on his blog, it was very obvious she had a thing for my husband. It was not only noticeable to me but other readers as well. One reader wrote about her having a thing for Charlie to which she responded something along the lines of "Last I knew was that 'Charlie' was married."

It astounds me how she can one day see him as being married and then the next she sees him as being seperated and available. I am at a loss to know how to describe the period between December and end of April when my husband was still sleeping in OUR bed in OUR home, but in the mistress’s mind he was separated! I guess if one is so prepared to live a life of lies, then one is also prepared to tell lies to suit their own purpose.

So when did my husband move out of the matrimonial home and bed? Well he never really moved out of our bed, but he sort of moved out of the home at the end of April.

In April my husband went on an interstate trip. The mistress accompanied him for less than 24 hours and when my husband returned 10 days later, she had conveniently organised a new residence for him to move into. She organised share accommodation for my husband with the male partner of one of her work colleagues.

The ironic part of this situation is that this male had been kicked out of his place of residence because he had an affair on the mistress’ work colleague!

My husband has since told me that the mistress was so desperate for my husband to move out that she used to send him emails with the details of residences for lease near her suburb. Sometimes she would even send him properties that were available in the same unit complex!

Talk about desperate! She wanted it so badly that she tried to do it all for him. Well I guess you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, can you?

And the second part of the comment is also very interesting.

"What is sad, is when people blog to defame others. That's what the "wife" did to me. She managed to trawl the internet to find other "scorned women" to join her cause. This resulted in me being harassed and abused via email and my blog by a bunch of women who had never met me, and didn't really know the true story."

Definition of ‘defame’ from www.thefreedictionary.com :

“To damage the reputation, character, or good name of by slander or libel”

How can someone defame an unidentified person? No-one who read my old blog knew who the mistress was, apart from those that the mistress contacted directly to have a go at me, and the friends of the mistress that she directed to my blog.

And when the truth is told you can't defame someone. So my response is : "SUE ME!"

So how can I be held responsible for the position the mistress found herself in? I find this situation rather amusing that she tried her hardest to have a go at me and in the process pissed off a lot of people in blog land. She set out to deliberately cause problems for me by directly commenting on my supporters blog, therefore identifying herself. She stalked me through blogland and went on her own little rampage only to have it backfire on her.

I am NOT responsible for supposed harassment and abuse. If you want to put your email address out there with nasty remarks then you have to expect something back. You want to attack people then you have to expect some ill feeling.

And further more….."trawl the internet to find other ‘scorned women’ to join her cause”.

I think the green eyed monster has struck! She was always extremely jealous of the number of readers I had on my blog!

Things don't change

2006-12-03T22:08:00.001+11:00

"Things do not change; we change."

It is amazing how 6 small words can have such a profound impact on one's life.

I came across this gorgeous card recently and just had to purchase it. I am going to get it framed and hang it on my wall.

Looking back I can see how both my husband and I have changed. I can also see how neither of us were prepared to change to suit each others individual needs, and hence the problems within our marriage began.

I changed into a very frustrated and angry woman due to constantly being hurt and let down by my husband.

He changed because of the angry and bitter woman that I had become due to his treatment of me.

All I ever wanted was to feel loved and desired. And at the end of the day, I now realise that is all my husband wanted too.

But instead of changing and adapting to suit each others needs, we pushed each other away. Things did not change in our marriage, but we both certainly did.

We were still the same two people that fell madly in love with each other.

We were still the same two people that adored the ground that the other walked upon.

We were still the same two people that stimulated each other both mentally and emotionally, and not to mention sexually ;-) !!!

And so where did those two people go? They changed!

They changed into very frustrated and hurt people and instead of addressing the issues that resulted in their change of behaviour, they continued to choose a path of destructive behaviour continually hurting the very person they chose to spend their entire life with.

And have I changed since Charlie told me of his affair?

Definately!

I have become a much stronger person. I have learnt alot about myself, about marriage and also about my husband.

I actually read through some of the early pieces that I had written on my previous blog and can so easily see the strength I have gathered over the last 6 months.

I have decided to bring them out of the archives and share them with you again. I have set up another blog and will slowly start to bring them back. I have left the publishing date the same as the original date they were written.

I am no longer "Totally Shattered", but now consider myself to be "Not Totally Shattered".

Keep checking back into this blog and enjoy the journey with me, I will put up a link so you can check back in and travel the road with me.

I think you will be surprised at how much I have learnt and grown during this rollercoaster ride through infidelity.

Puppet on a string

2006-11-30T03:00:00.001+11:00

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight .
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant a garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers .
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

--Veronica A. Shoffstall

I found this poem on another website and could not help but think how this could be written about me.

I began to learn that his uncommitted involvement with me was chaining my soul and not the loving act of 'holding hands'.

I began to learn that his love was without meaning and that his company was on his terms.

I began to learn that I was his habit and I accepted that I was not his pleasure.

When he told me he was still in love with her, I conceded defeat and started to make plans for myself, plans that did not include him.

I began to travel the path of today not knowing where tomorrow was going to take me.

Everytime he walked away I held my head a little higher.

And with every goodbye I travelled that path a little further.

I learned that he did not want me. I learned that he is capable of betraying me. I learned that he was so willing to tell the most amazing lies about me and to me.

I learned he held no respect for me and repeatedly took me for granted.

I learned that I have too much self respect to stay in a relationship where I am used. I learned that I am worthy of unconditional love. I learned that I deserve to be loved unconditionally and without the fear of having my lover, my best friend, my soul mate, stray when things become rocky between us.

I learned to be strong again, to stand on my own two feet, to not allow myself to be where he wanted me to be. I learned not to be a puppet on a string.

I learned that I can travel the path alone. I learned that I do not need the love of someone that is so willing to push me aside when it suits his purpose. I learned that he expected me to be his option, whilst he remained my priority.

I wonder if I have learned too much?

I have conceded defeat

2006-11-26T23:14:00.001+11:00

It has been a really tough week for me.

I have conceded defeat.

I am severely depressed. I have felt myself slipping further down the black hole over the last three weeks. I have tried to drag myself from this pit of darkness without the help of medications but I can't do it.

I cry at anything and everything. I no longer get any joy from anything that I do. I am not eating. I am not sleeping.

I took myself to see my specialist who has been treating me for depression since the birth of our first child. I have not seen him for 18 months and have been unmedicated for just under two years.

I hate this. I don't want to go back onto meds. I don't like feeling as though I have once again failed.

But truth is I simply cannot cope. I cannot cope with the basic day to day tasks of everyday living. I cannot focus. My mind is a whirlpool of emotions and thoughts that keep me on edge.

I am a mess. My life is a mess.

I need clarity. I need peace. I need rest.

Frozen in time

2006-11-22T11:32:00.001+11:00

I am really struggling. I am finding it extremely difficult to cope with day to day living. It's like my mind is consumed with pain, not necessarily thoughts of the mistress or the affair, just pain.

Pain of feeling my whole world has been shattered around me.

Pain of feeling so alone and isolated.

Pain of those words my husband spoke, "I am still in love with her."

The things I feel are very real to me, even though they may not be in reality. I question so many things in my relationship because at the moment it all feels like one big lie. I even question my relationship in the early days and the conception of our children.

I question why my husband is back. I question how he can one day tell me he was in love with her, and then within days be back here telling me he can't live without me.

I question how he can just flick that switch, because I am having so much trouble doing that.

He told me he loved her, and I walked away. I let him go. Within my heart and my head I let him go. I now have what it was that I wanted and I really can't say whether or not it is what I want now.

Why can't I flick that switch? Why can't I just rewind the tape that plays through my head with those words that he spoke and feel love for him? Why can't I accept that he was in deep with the affair and had trouble escaping the web of deception that he had woven?

He is free now and yet I seem to be tangled up in the web. I am the one that is stuck, frozen in time, trying to move to the edges, but seemingly stuck in mid air. Time seems to just pass me, blinding me as it flashes past, whilst I sit back and watch it.

Emotionally I am blocked and in a dark pit of despair. I cannot tell him I love him. I cannot commit to anytime past today. I cannot discuss our marriage. I cannot discuss a permanent separation.

I feel so bloody guilty because I cannot give him anything in return for his amazing efforts in working on our marriage.

But within my heart I know that I give everyday. Everyday that I allow him to be a part of my life I give a massive amount of myself.

I wonder if he realises how much I give?

I wonder if it is enough.

Virgin! Virgin!

2006-11-20T06:50:00.001+11:00

It appears I made a mistake!

As you know, before my husband told me of his affair, he went away for 10 days. The mistress accompanied him to spend less than 24 hours with him.

And as a person with integrity, I would like to make an amendment to one of my previous posts. I'd hate to think that I had a lie on my blog so I am now apologising for misleading my readers.

During my phone call with the mistress she was most upset about me quoting the cost of her airfare and hotel as $500.

She sniped at me “Haven’t you heard of Virgin? It was $99. Virgin! Virgin!”

Well as a matter of fact I have heard of Virgin airlines. In fact I actually booked my husband's flight with Virgin on the trip that she accompanied him on. They often have the most amazing one way prices for $99.

So based on what she told me she paid, I can only assume the mistress walked the 1200km home!

I hope she was wearing comfy shoes!

The final curtain call

2006-11-19T19:47:00.001+11:00

The lights are dimmed as you enter the arena. With a large box of popcorn you make your way to your seat. You find your seat and carefully walk along the aisle and sit down awaiting the start of the show.

Well wait no longer!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE......

Roll up! Roll Up!

"Mistress Monday", commencing tomorrow.

Get your tickets now to ensure you have a front row seat!

There will be spills and thrills and something to delight even the most faint hearted persons in the audience.

Don't miss out!

Vicious cycle of doubt

2006-11-17T09:45:00.001+11:00

So here I am.

My husband has ended his relationship with the Mistress and is desperately trying to win me back.

Can I fault him on his attempts? No.

Can I accept his attempts? Yes.

Are they working? I don't know.

I must seem like a real bitch at the moment. He is desperately trying to make amends. He tells me everyday how sorry he is. He discusses things with me now on a level that we never had before.

He buys me flowers and cards several times a week. One night we had an argument and I had to go out to a meeting. I returned to my car to find it filled with flowers, love letters and cards!

I come home from work to the most amazing candlelit dinners that he has prepared. He brings me my favourite foods home for snacks (I LOVE Double smoked Brie at $50 per kg!).

He sends me SMS messages to my mobile just about everyday. He sends me emails, and lots of gorgeous e-cards. He calls me constantly.

He takes me out for dinner and away for gorgeous romantic weekends, in fact we are going away again today. He has changed so many things because these were the things that used to irritate me.

He wants to spend time with me. I no longer ask for him to spend time with me because he just organises it and then asks me if I would like to go with him.

He tells me EVERYTHING.

I am probably one of the luckiest women alive at the moment. I have what every woman wants.

Why is it not enough? Why do I still feel so distant to him?

It is like there is something preventing me from committing to him. He has hurt me very deeply and I know I have my guard up. I know this because I struggle with this daily.

But what is going to make that guard soften? What will it take for me to soften to him and his apologies, the remorse he shows daily, his actions?

I am terrified that he will go elsewhere to have his need and desire to feel loved met, perhaps back to the mistress, because at the moment I cannot give him the love that he desires. This is making me keep my guard up for fear of being hurt again. Let's face it, he has gone back to her 4 times already, why would I not expect it again?

And so I find myself consumed by a vicious cycle..... if I don't give him the love that he needs then he will go elsewhere: my fear of him going back to her is preventing me from letting my guard down and giving him the love that he needs.

I just don't know how to begin to break this cycle.

Uninvited

2006-11-15T00:50:00.002+11:00

"Uninvited"

by Alanis Morissette

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch them burn me shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

In context to the Mistress

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me

I know your obsession with me and my life will lead you to this blog, but I will no longer allow you to impact my life. I do not understand your fascination with me but should you choose to continue to read my blog it will only prove to me how obsessed you really are.

Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave

I understand the pain you feel after having your husband have an affair on you and put you through this pain. I understand the loneliness and hurt that you felt and possibly still feel. But an unhealthy craving is not going to fill your void. You will never find happiness in the arms of a married man.

Me.....no I don't crave your attention. In fact I don't need anything from you and wish you would move on and leave my husband and I alone.

But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

You are no longer welcome in my life or my husbands for that matter. But feel flattered that your presence is still felt on a daily basis. An unfortunate slight.

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm

I feel for you that you take pleasure in watching innocent people suffer because of your selfishness. Rest assured my husband 'squirms' each day knowing that he jeopardised his marriage by becoming involved with you.

Must be somewhat hard telling
To watch them burn me sheperd

And what sort of person are you if you take pleasure in watching someone crash and burn? I hope you have healed your own wounds caused by your husbands' infidelity through watching me crash and burn by committing adultery with my husband. Does that feel good now, knowing that you have put someone else through the same pain you were put through?

But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

My husband chose to invite you into our lives, but now we choose to UNINVITE you. You are no longer allowed to have any involvement in our lives.

It is such an unfortunate slight that my husband came to his senses and left you where you deserve to be left.....wallowing in your own self pity and immoral life.

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing

I was the unknown to you wasn't I? There must have been many questions you had about me. You must have been intrigued by me.

You still are. You must still ask yourself what it is that I can give him that you could never give him. Why did he come back to me? What is it that I have that you don't?

You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before

You speak of my marriage like you have experienced it and lived it yourself. You speak of how 'true' your relationship with my husband was and how deeply in love with him you were.

No relationship can be 'true' when its main ingredient is lies.

I feel for you because you so desperately wanted what I had. You tried so desperately to be me and have the same sort of relationship with my husband that I did. Fact is, you could never have had what we had because it was just too special. You tried so hard to fill my shoes, but you could never fill my shoes.

But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I know how much you wished to be a part of my husband's life on a permanent basis. It is such an unfortunate slight that he uninvited you from his life and your plans for my marriage were no longer relevant.

It is such an unfortunate slight that you were ignored. Rejected. Mistakenly overlooked.

Rest assured there was no mistake...... You're Uninvited

Your Invitation

2006-11-13T11:17:00.002+11:00

Welcome to my blog. This is your invitation to join me on the journey of rebuilding my marriage after my husband chose to have an affair. After months of being in 'limbo' he has returned to his marriage and wants to rebuild the relationship that we had.

For those first time readers I apologise that there will be many gaps for you. But unfortunately I had to take my old blog down due to ongoing harrasment from the Mistress.

For my dedicated readers.....WELCOME back! And thank you for visiting my new house! I am just painting the walls and arranging the furniture. All should be set up this week so we can then sit back with a glass of champagne and watch the movie together.

So pull up a chair and await the curtain rising!

Be with you very soon!

No Invitation issued

2006-11-10T11:21:00.000+11:00

Why is it that when something is said to a woman it sticks to them? Why is it that when you are told something, it impacts your life greatly? Why is it that when these words are then retracted that we just can't let go of them and the effect they had/have on us?

I am really struggling at present. No my marriage is not happening. And why? Why is it that it is still a train wreck?

Because my husband said something to me that changed my life.

He told me that he was still in love with the mistress After months of living a life without order, he finally told me that he was still in love with her and I let him go. The relief I felt was amazing. I let him go. In my heart and my head I let my marriage and my husband fly free.

I realise that I never stopped loving him but for some reason it is different now. I struggle everyday because of those words that he said to me. I released him from me, and at the same time released myself from him.

I can honestly say that after he told me that he still loved her, that I started to heal. I started to pick up the pieces of my shattered life, and put them back into some form of order, with the view that it would never include him again.

Why is it that when I released him he realised that he wanted his marriage to work? Why is it he finally came back emotionally and physically after I let him go? Why is it that I am struggling with this?

I didn't ask him to come back. I didn't issue an invitation for him back inot my life. I accepted that he did not want a life with me and I moved forward.

That day that he told me those words I moved forward. And now I find him back in my life and yet I am so unsure as to whether or not I want him in my life.

My heart has hardened to him. I don't know if it is because of the fact that I let him go, or if it is because I have my guard up so high for fear of being hurt again. Will this ever come down?

celine dion - to love you more