Vicious cycle of doubt
So here I am.
My husband has ended his relationship with the Mistress and is desperately trying to win me back.
Can I fault him on his attempts? No.
Can I accept his attempts? Yes.
Are they working? I don't know.
I must seem like a real bitch at the moment. He is desperately trying to make amends. He tells me everyday how sorry he is. He discusses things with me now on a level that we never had before.
He buys me flowers and cards several times a week. One night we had an argument and I had to go out to a meeting. I returned to my car to find it filled with flowers, love letters and cards!
I come home from work to the most amazing candlelit dinners that he has prepared. He brings me my favourite foods home for snacks (I LOVE Double smoked Brie at $50 per kg!).
He sends me SMS messages to my mobile just about everyday. He sends me emails, and lots of gorgeous e-cards. He calls me constantly.
He takes me out for dinner and away for gorgeous romantic weekends, in fact we are going away again today. He has changed so many things because these were the things that used to irritate me.
He wants to spend time with me. I no longer ask for him to spend time with me because he just organises it and then asks me if I would like to go with him.
He tells me EVERYTHING.
I am probably one of the luckiest women alive at the moment. I have what every woman wants.
Why is it not enough? Why do I still feel so distant to him?
It is like there is something preventing me from committing to him. He has hurt me very deeply and I know I have my guard up. I know this because I struggle with this daily.
But what is going to make that guard soften? What will it take for me to soften to him and his apologies, the remorse he shows daily, his actions?
I am terrified that he will go elsewhere to have his need and desire to feel loved met, perhaps back to the mistress, because at the moment I cannot give him the love that he desires. This is making me keep my guard up for fear of being hurt again. Let's face it, he has gone back to her 4 times already, why would I not expect it again?
And so I find myself consumed by a vicious cycle..... if I don't give him the love that he needs then he will go elsewhere: my fear of him going back to her is preventing me from letting my guard down and giving him the love that he needs.
I just don't know how to begin to break this cycle.
My husband has ended his relationship with the Mistress and is desperately trying to win me back.
Can I fault him on his attempts? No.
Can I accept his attempts? Yes.
Are they working? I don't know.
I must seem like a real bitch at the moment. He is desperately trying to make amends. He tells me everyday how sorry he is. He discusses things with me now on a level that we never had before.
He buys me flowers and cards several times a week. One night we had an argument and I had to go out to a meeting. I returned to my car to find it filled with flowers, love letters and cards!
I come home from work to the most amazing candlelit dinners that he has prepared. He brings me my favourite foods home for snacks (I LOVE Double smoked Brie at $50 per kg!).
He sends me SMS messages to my mobile just about everyday. He sends me emails, and lots of gorgeous e-cards. He calls me constantly.
He takes me out for dinner and away for gorgeous romantic weekends, in fact we are going away again today. He has changed so many things because these were the things that used to irritate me.
He wants to spend time with me. I no longer ask for him to spend time with me because he just organises it and then asks me if I would like to go with him.
He tells me EVERYTHING.
I am probably one of the luckiest women alive at the moment. I have what every woman wants.
Why is it not enough? Why do I still feel so distant to him?
It is like there is something preventing me from committing to him. He has hurt me very deeply and I know I have my guard up. I know this because I struggle with this daily.
But what is going to make that guard soften? What will it take for me to soften to him and his apologies, the remorse he shows daily, his actions?
I am terrified that he will go elsewhere to have his need and desire to feel loved met, perhaps back to the mistress, because at the moment I cannot give him the love that he desires. This is making me keep my guard up for fear of being hurt again. Let's face it, he has gone back to her 4 times already, why would I not expect it again?
And so I find myself consumed by a vicious cycle..... if I don't give him the love that he needs then he will go elsewhere: my fear of him going back to her is preventing me from letting my guard down and giving him the love that he needs.
I just don't know how to begin to break this cycle.
posted by kissmekate at 9:45 am
10 Comments:
I wish I had a suggestion, but I don't, I do think your perfectly normal however, but that worry you have about him fuking up again if your don't meet his needs ? hun if he did that you don't want him anyway... so leave that nagging doubt in the garbage bin of mental waste! You take your time healing, and enjoy the attention!
Time is the missing ingredient to get to where you seek. Or at least it was in my case. And, from your description, it almost sounds like your husband is trying too hard. these changes don't sound sustainable, and would cause me to be suspicious also.
The only thing that will help is time. Like you said, he's gone back before and so it's perfectly natural and fair for you to still have your guard up. You're mature enough to know that actions speak louder than words, cards and flowers.
He should understand that it won't be easy for you to just open up and let him all the way back into your heart, have you explained this to him? I'm sure you probably have more than once.
He's doing the right things now, perhaps a bit of overkill, but he's eager and trying to quickly undo the damnage he has done and while there is no way to really undo it, hopefully he will continue to show you how he feels. But, he needs to realize that it can take a very long time to prove it, and that you may never get those same feelings back 100%. And you need to cut yourself some slack. I think it's incredible that you even found the strength to try with him, I don't think I would be so strong.
I understand what you mean. he has broken your heart so many times before that you are afraid that if you give it back he will break it again and this time you wont be able to pick up the pieces. That is normal. But I trust that with the love between you two, in due time you will let your guard down just a little bit and be able to enjoy your marriage.
I am not a therapist or anything but I did go through something simular when I was married to my X. I think that you cannot give him what you think he deserves right now because your a testing him, you need to see for yourself that this is for real this time, that no matter what, he will not go back to her. My X cheated on me when we had been married about 3 years, I left him after 20 years of marraige, not because of this but other issues that came into the marraige, I can honestly tell you that you will never forget that he cheated, you will always remember. But, you can choose to forgive him and that is the beginning of the healing process. You could think of his cheating every single day but one day you will go a whole day without thinking about it, then you will go another day...it does get easier...I promise you that. My heart goes out to you both. Much love and prayers!!
First, I too LOVE BRIE.
I agree with other comments and I think you are being too hard on yourself. Just relax and enjoy your time with the man you love. Life is too short. I think you are waiting to see if this lasts and once he calms down and gets back to the day to day maybe your confidence level with the staying power of this situation will increase!!
*Keeping you in my thoughts!!
I think its because you still need time to heal. It is very hard to regain your trust for him. I dont doubt that he is sorry and is trying so hard to prove to you how much he truly loves you but without 100% trust it is going to be hard for you. Give it time. Atleast he is trying. The cycle will end when YOU are ready. Good luck!!
Hiya Kate,
Just wanted to stop by and say hello - I'm your old buddy ;)
At the moment, I can't offer any good advice since I'm not up to that level, not even sure if I'll ever make it there..
BUT, I did want to drop this link, because it has helped me a lot. There's a bunch of information that may be helpful to you as well.
Thinkin' of ya!
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com
You know, if you were fully opening your heart to him at this stage, I'd actually be concerned for you.
Its too early. Its too early to tell if the changes will stick.
As the person who fucked up bigtime, he has to prove to you that its not going to happen again.
I think your feelings are very natural.
I can't really add anything. I tend to be skeptical and suspicious; by nature and nurture.
Time … it does wonders – either way. You just can’t force things, it never works.
Ok, well I added something but I am sure that it is a combination of what has already been said and probably what you already know.
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