Saturday, March 15, 2008

Remember Sammy D?

Do you remember Sammy D that used to read our blogs and comment?

I was going through my inbox and found an email she sent me.

It struck several it yourself.

From: Samantha Donnelly [mailto:(sammyd)]
Sent: Tuesday, 13 February 2007 9:21 PM
To: Kate and Charlie
Subject: A Goodbye Message

(Kate and Charlie)

I have been silently watching the goings on in blogland. I'm sure you are not surprised that I haven't left a comment. I hate disharmony.

I don't share too much about myself. I am pretty much a private person. But this is what I wanted to share with you today in my goodbye message.

(Charlie), I found your blog when searching for 'human frailty' I think it was. Your animated way of writing also reminded me of my husband Michael.

Michael was different. He was beautiful. We were childhood sweethearts, and if I could have just curled my body around him like a cocoon and felt his every movement and shared his every breath, then I would have. It was a rollercoaster from the minute we met. When things were going well, we were angels in heaven and floating on clouds. When things were bad, it was hell. Suicide attempts, constant accusations of my infidelity, jealousy that was absolutely and totally suffocating.

My children are my life. I loved Michael so much, and I wanted our children so badly. I wanted a part of Michael, and a part of me blended with our love to make these special little people that would become our family. When I was pregnant with Jamie, Michael would go from doting 'father to be' at one moment to something that resembled a jealous jilted lover at others. In exasperation one day I said to Michael that we should just go and live on a deserted island so there would be nobody to be jealous of. I will never forget the way he grabbed my face in his hands, and his blue eyes looked so glazed and scary as he told me that he would be jealous of the sand that massaged my toes, and the sun that bathed my skin.

It's a long story and something that my 'human frailty' makes it impossible for me to share in it's entirety in one sitting. Michael took his life on Christams Day 2 years ago.

My chilsren are my life. They are a little Michael and a little me. We didn't get it right. But that doesn't mean they can't. I always want to remain close to my children as they grow, and as they become older I want to be aware enough to know when to give them space, when to hold their hand, when to listen and when it's time to be firm with some good old home truths. I brought these little darlin's into this world, and it's my job to give them the life skills to deal with it or at least point them in the right direction. If they fuck up, well good, because by then I hope they'll know how to fix their fuck ups, and if that's with or without my help. That's fine too.

I saw (Kate's son)'s comments on your blog Charlie. They were so sad for me to read. I bawled my eyes out. (Kate), I saw the fedup comment that you deleted. You thanked JD and then seemed surprised that your son had commented on the blog. I am in no position to judge either of you. So all I want to say in closing is, love your children and please remember how short and how precious life can be, and the little ones you both made and brought into this world need to come first.

I'm not going to read your blogs anymore. Don't take it personally. These things happen for a reason.



Do you not feel for this woman? My heart went out to her and I responded with the following email:

Sent: Tuesday, 13 February 2007 10:16 PM
To: 'Samantha Donnelly'
Subject: RE: A Goodbye Message


I am sitting here in tears. You have really struck a raw nerve in me, not just for telling your story, but because it is so central in many ways to me and my situation.

I have been struggling in blogland myself the last few weeks, hence my inability to post on my blog.

I have made the decision to close my blog down again because I just cannot handle the nastiness from the mistress and her ‘friends’. I have asked (Charlie) to do the same but he has not decided what to do. I want him to start invite only or even a new address. I even purchased a gorgeous journal for him to write in but for Mr Egotistical it does not have the same meaning because he doesn’t have his precious fucking audience. (Do you hear my resentment?)

Today’s happenings on (Charlie)’s blog have also taken its toll on me. The nastiness that has been flying around is so unnecessary. I didn’t delete the comment Sammy. (Charlie) did because he wrote it not realising it was under (my son's) log in. I am not at all happy with (Charlie) for that post either. It has caused a lot of disharmony between us. He just does not get where I am coming from when I ask him to defend me. Wouldn’t you do that if you truly loved someone Sammy? (Charlie) just does not get it. We had a humdinger of an argument Sunday night which is why he wrote this post.

I KNOW you get what I am saying because the way you have commented to him in the past indicates that you want to see the emotion as well. I don’t want words on a sheet of paper. I want to feel what he is saying, because right now I don’t believe what he tells me. Hell he has lied to me for so long , why on earth would I believe him now?

I now understand why you have been a supporter of the cat, if he reminds you of Michael. I feel that you and I have a lot in common and hence you feel my pain as if it were your own and you see and feel exactly what I do.
You summed my marriage up Sammy with “When things were going well, we were angels in heaven and floating on clouds. When things were bad, it was hell”.

And this was my previous relationship “constant accusations of my infidelity, jealousy that was absolutely and totally suffocating. “

I don’t want to live in hell anymore and I really do not know that (Charlie) can make me float on clouds anymore. I don’t want to fight to have my needs filled. I don’t want to have to argue with my husband for him to realise what it is that he is or isn’t doing.

Which leads me to my kids. My kids are my world. They are also (Charlie)’s world. He is a doting father and loves his little girls with all of his heart. I don’t think we can get it right Sammy, but I am terrified that either way my kids are going ot suffer for it.

I so would love to give you the biggest hug right now. I am sure you really need it. I know I need one.

Please stay in touch Sammy and when you come over in April I would still love to meet you.


Do you remember Sammy D?


Blogger SolarisGal said...

Wow, powerful post. I haven't read anything like that since everybody's hearts were broken back in '2006!

Sunday, March 16, 2008 6:05:00 pm  
Blogger akakarma said...

Just stopping by Kate- I think Sammy D was before me!Sad Post.

Sunday, March 16, 2008 11:56:00 pm  

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