Frozen in time
I am really struggling. I am finding it extremely difficult to cope with day to day living. It's like my mind is consumed with pain, not necessarily thoughts of the mistress or the affair, just pain.
Pain of feeling my whole world has been shattered around me.
Pain of feeling so alone and isolated.
Pain of those words my husband spoke, "I am still in love with her."
The things I feel are very real to me, even though they may not be in reality. I question so many things in my relationship because at the moment it all feels like one big lie. I even question my relationship in the early days and the conception of our children.
I question why my husband is back. I question how he can one day tell me he was in love with her, and then within days be back here telling me he can't live without me.
I question how he can just flick that switch, because I am having so much trouble doing that.
He told me he loved her, and I walked away. I let him go. Within my heart and my head I let him go. I now have what it was that I wanted and I really can't say whether or not it is what I want now.
Why can't I flick that switch? Why can't I just rewind the tape that plays through my head with those words that he spoke and feel love for him? Why can't I accept that he was in deep with the affair and had trouble escaping the web of deception that he had woven?
He is free now and yet I seem to be tangled up in the web. I am the one that is stuck, frozen in time, trying to move to the edges, but seemingly stuck in mid air. Time seems to just pass me, blinding me as it flashes past, whilst I sit back and watch it.
Emotionally I am blocked and in a dark pit of despair. I cannot tell him I love him. I cannot commit to anytime past today. I cannot discuss our marriage. I cannot discuss a permanent separation.
I feel so bloody guilty because I cannot give him anything in return for his amazing efforts in working on our marriage.
But within my heart I know that I give everyday. Everyday that I allow him to be a part of my life I give a massive amount of myself.
I wonder if he realises how much I give?
I wonder if it is enough.
Pain of feeling my whole world has been shattered around me.
Pain of feeling so alone and isolated.
Pain of those words my husband spoke, "I am still in love with her."
The things I feel are very real to me, even though they may not be in reality. I question so many things in my relationship because at the moment it all feels like one big lie. I even question my relationship in the early days and the conception of our children.
I question why my husband is back. I question how he can one day tell me he was in love with her, and then within days be back here telling me he can't live without me.
I question how he can just flick that switch, because I am having so much trouble doing that.
He told me he loved her, and I walked away. I let him go. Within my heart and my head I let him go. I now have what it was that I wanted and I really can't say whether or not it is what I want now.
Why can't I flick that switch? Why can't I just rewind the tape that plays through my head with those words that he spoke and feel love for him? Why can't I accept that he was in deep with the affair and had trouble escaping the web of deception that he had woven?
He is free now and yet I seem to be tangled up in the web. I am the one that is stuck, frozen in time, trying to move to the edges, but seemingly stuck in mid air. Time seems to just pass me, blinding me as it flashes past, whilst I sit back and watch it.
Emotionally I am blocked and in a dark pit of despair. I cannot tell him I love him. I cannot commit to anytime past today. I cannot discuss our marriage. I cannot discuss a permanent separation.
I feel so bloody guilty because I cannot give him anything in return for his amazing efforts in working on our marriage.
But within my heart I know that I give everyday. Everyday that I allow him to be a part of my life I give a massive amount of myself.
I wonder if he realises how much I give?
I wonder if it is enough.
posted by kissmekate at 11:32 am
11 Comments:
It's really tough. If you want this marriage, you are going to have to put in your share and work very hard towards it. I know it hurts, but that's the bottom tough line. Your feelings - the way you felt when you typed this post- can last for years.
If you don't want the marriage, and if you are afraid of continous self-doubt, (which by the way is completely normal), you may be able to heal faster, however, I don't suggest that you take this route if you really love him.
True love forgives and heals.
Thanks for your comment.
I read it and burst into tears. The whole thing is that I know I have to put in as well, but the problem is that I just can't seem to do it. It doesn't matter what I do it just doesn't seem to come to me.
I question myself now. The old cliche of "Am I in love with him?"
I could honestly say that I was in love with him before he told me he was in love with her. I don't know if I am anymore.
Those words seem to have had such a huge impact on me and my feelings that I honestly don't know if I am in love with him. I don't know if time will heal. I don't know if this will get better and if my feelings will change.
I know that it is not going to happen overnught, but exactly how long should I wait before I accept that it is over?
"True love forgives and heals'
I can agree with you on that. But true love also lets go when it needs to.
I let him go because he told me he was in love with her, and not me. I only ever wanted him to be happy..
Doesn't seem fair that you are the one struggling, you never asked for this mess and you didnt create it, I am sorry kate, just take one day at a time and see how you feel tomorrow etc. I do wish those who love to marry could also love to stay faithful too, would save many heartaches..
you know, kate, I give you this advice, but if I had the opportunity, I'd probably react the same way you are.
Honestly, when you first posted about the "in love" comment with the mistress, I felt the same chills go up my spine the same way when my husband told me that he's not sure if he's going to give his mistress his baby. The comment just pierced my heart. Just kill me next time.
I think that you are in love with him, but you just don't want to get hurt again, plus you are angry for him "loving" the pain-causing mistress, and all of a sudden he's back to you like a light switch. I don't know it's a tough one. But at the same time, how crappy would it be if you let him go, only to realize that he goes back to the mistress! It doesn't seem as he would, but I know the thought crosses your mind - it's just a woman thing.
Oh God, spare me, for me to go through that horrendous pain again, I'd rather clean mice droppings and roaches.
Anyway, you risk getting him tired of the depression and the back and forths. That's why I say that if you love him you should work very hard - yes it's horrendously tough but not impossible.
I'll give you this much - he must not really be in love with her if he's back with you. If he really loved her, he would have continued to pursue her just as he's currently doing with you. But that's just my 2 cents.
Girl, just break away for now to take care of yourself. When you have stopped hurting you will start liking yourself again. Then, you will realize your full worth...and it's HUGE...then you will know what to do. I promise.
Been there, don't want to go back...I like where the rocky road leads.
Meg
hey Kate, this is a rather brazen atitude site however sometimes if you read something that makes sense it makes your feel normal?
http://www.wayneandtamara.com/infidelity.htm
Are you guys in counseling?
Your hurting and I think you both need help to get through it.
I really hope that you can find that love again.
Someday I hope we all can find love again.
"The Love That We Lost"
Going through old dresser drawers
Fumbling through there closets
It's got to be here somewhere
I know it's round here somewhere
Searching from room to room
We couldn't have just lost it
I know it's round here somewhere
It's got to be here somewhere
Maybe we packed it up
With college books and winter clothes
Things we thought were in the way
Out of style or just outgrown
[Chorus:]
We didn't give it away
We just left it alone
We tried to find it one day
That's when we noticed it gone
I turned the house upside down
Praying I'd stumble across
Some sign thats it's still around
Got to find the love that we lost
Captured in old picture frames
Shinning in those faces
It used to be here somewhere
I know it's still here somewhere
Reflected in our children's eyes
How could we misplace it
I know it was here yesterday
How could it just slip away
it was more then just a box of junk
We stored away to gather dust
This was a dream we thought
We always could reach out and touch
[Repeat chorus twice]
Got to find the love that we lost
Chely Wright
I just wanted to send you hugs, I don't have any good advice to add, I will just ditto everyone elses thoughts...
Hang in there honey and don't blame yourself for being human. Forgiveness isn't easy at all.
I feel a lot of the feelings that you have. I wrote a bit of it in my blog and I was told to seek professional help for depression. I deleted that post and all the comments because I know that I am not depressed. I think that unless a person has gone through what you have gone through no one truly understands.
All your feelings are normal. Infact if you didnt feel the way you feel I would think that is worrysome.
Hang in the Kate we can tell by your passion in your blog that you will do what is best for you. Good luck!!
It takes courage and strength to do what you have so never ever doubt yourself Kate. If defeat gives you a break then admit it, its better to give into change than fight it sometimes.
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