A new tradition ....
I have been feeling a little down the last couple of days. I love Christmas but always feel exhausted afterward.
However, this time it is different. I am not just exhausted. My mind is racing with different thoughts of Charlie and the mistress.
Thoughts like had they made Christmas plans? Did he intend to spend Christmas with her and her children and not bother with our children? Or had he planned to take my children away from me so I could spend Christmas alone?
Would he have sat down to consume the customary plate of goodies left out for Santa at the mistress' residence whilst I went to bed alone?
Were they planning a holiday away after Christmas, because Charlie and I always go on a family holiday in the New Year. Was he planning to just leave our children at home whilst he holidayed with the mistress and her children?
Had she asked for a particular gift? Did he have something in mind to purchase for her?
Would they have started a little tradition like Charlie and I? Our tradition is a 'naughty' present with a value of no more than $20, that we give each other in bed on Christmas Eve.
Needless to say this year I could not purchase that gift. My mind just wasn't there although Charlie's was.
However, this time it is different. I am not just exhausted. My mind is racing with different thoughts of Charlie and the mistress.
Thoughts like had they made Christmas plans? Did he intend to spend Christmas with her and her children and not bother with our children? Or had he planned to take my children away from me so I could spend Christmas alone?
Would he have sat down to consume the customary plate of goodies left out for Santa at the mistress' residence whilst I went to bed alone?
Were they planning a holiday away after Christmas, because Charlie and I always go on a family holiday in the New Year. Was he planning to just leave our children at home whilst he holidayed with the mistress and her children?
Had she asked for a particular gift? Did he have something in mind to purchase for her?
Would they have started a little tradition like Charlie and I? Our tradition is a 'naughty' present with a value of no more than $20, that we give each other in bed on Christmas Eve.
Needless to say this year I could not purchase that gift. My mind just wasn't there although Charlie's was.
posted by kissmekate at 11:47 am
9 Comments:
You know mate, I think these kind of thoughts are completely normal,and I am sure in time they will become less frequent. But your right , it does make one think of how it could have turned out and how he could have dealt with the demise of your marriage etc. It hurts to even imagine how he could have dismissed your for her so easily had things not turned out differently
I wish I had words to comfort you with, but I can't seem to find them this morning. I feel so bad for you to suffer with thoughts like this but I imagine it's all a part of having to go through it and I agree with what Lara said.
I pray that it gets better for you and that you find peace in the New Year.
I'm sorry you've been feeling bad. But think of it this way, he was with YOU, so there's no point in torturing yourself with thoughts of what could have been but wasn't. Just think of continuing to move forward.
I agree. Although I myself told my husband that I will never get over it. I can act like I am ok but deep inside I hurt. I can imagine that you feel the same way. It is so hard. Sometimes I start it up because I need to try to have closure but he has no part of it. I hope you will be ok and remember they say time heals but Im still waiting.
It is understandable that you would have these thoughts ... come on, it is all fresh in your mind and heart.
All that you thought "was", wasn't. However, you do have the chance to see what will be - in time that will be healing for you.
{{hugs}}
Frannie
Logic is all well and good, but feelings are evidence in their own right. It's time to take both left- and right-brain information into account. Most importantly, never discount any gut feelings you have about the issue.
*Sigh*
Still keeping you in my thoughts soul sister (twin!!)!!
Thanks for your thoughts guys.
He was here but it does not make it any easier to deal with.
Feduptonoend I think you and I are in exactly the same place.
I don't think I will ever forget and I am starting to believe that I will never forgive.
But Kate,
He was with you. If he's with you it's because he loves you - not the mistress...
Why are you torturing yourself with "could have" and "if only's"? You are going to drive yourself crazy.
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