It's no longer about....
He now realises how he has betrayed me.
He now realises the severity of his betrayal.
He now realises that he would have worked on his marriage and tried to correct the problems if he never had the mistress on the scene.
He now realises how much he has hurt me.
He now realises how many times he has let me down.
He now realises how badly he has treated me.
He now realises how wrong it was to do what he did.
He now realises he was never in love with the mistress.
He now realises how much he loves me and wants me back.
He shows me how sorry he is. He smothers me with gifts. He gives me beautiful cards. He tells me multiple times in a day how sorry he is and how much he loves me, how he wants to grow old with me, how he never stopped loving me, how he needs me.
But all of a sudden these things pale into insignificance. They are no longer important to me. Cards and flowers are easy as is making a dinner reservation or booking a hotel room for a naughty weekend away.
Do they show commitment? Do they show that he will never betray me again? Do they address the real issues in this marriage? Do they convince me that he is sorry?
He tells me he is trying? Is he?
He tells me he loves me. Does he?
He tells me he will never do this again. Will he?
He tells me this time it is different. Is it?
I am not convinced. Flowers, cards and dinner reservations do not convince me.
This time it is different because I have not allowed myself to be pulled back with 3 weeks of 'good behaviour'. We are now playing a different game, a game that he chose to play by becoming involved with another woman whilst married to me.
The rules have changed because he moved the goal posts. The things that used to make a difference no longer do. I've played that game and no longer get any form of enjoyment from it.
Is the sun going down on this marriage because it seems that no matter how I explain it, he just never gets it.
He tells me he'll try harder. Does that mean I will get flowers everyday of the week instead of 2 or 3 times in a week?
It doesn't matter how many times he gives me a card or a bunch of flowers. It doesn't matter how many SMS messages he sends me. It doesn't matter how many times he tells me he loves me because I don't believe it. It doesn't matter how many times he tells me his sorry because I don't believe it.
It's no longer about spending time with me. It's no longer about showing me how much he loves me. It's no longer about him being honest with me. It's no longer about him talking to me about things.
It's now about why he did it. It's now about why he isn't going to do it again. It's now about why he lies. It's now about why he is so needy. It's now about why he isn't going to treat me that way again.
And it is only when he can answer these why's that I will be able to answer why it is that I would want to go back.
posted by kissmekate at 12:40 pm
19 Comments:
I have no experience with this type of problem, I'll explain on my blog later lol ( secret squirrel)I also think many men are missing the EQ or scoring very low on them. Naturally all the men who comment on here have EQ ( before I get bashed )I don't think allll men are baboons !
Again, I must say - are you in counseling? I just don't think this is something the two of you can fix alone. Heck, marriage is hard enough (and could use a good counselor) when there isn't infidelity.
I pray for you. I know it sounds silly from someone who doesn't know you .. but I do.
My heart is with you. I know how devestating it is. I hope for the sake of the children, 'he gets it'......
EQ..........
The Basics of Emotional Intelligence Include
Knowing your feelings and using them to make life decisions you can live with.
Being able to manage your emotional life without being hijacked by it -- not being paralyzed by depression or worry, or swept away by anger.
Persisting in the face of setbacks and channeling your impulses in order to pursue your goals.
Empathy -- reading other people's emotions without their having to tell you what they are feeling.
Handling feelings in relationships with skill and harmony -- being able to articulate the unspoken pulse of a group, for example.
I really hope it all works out for you one way or another... I'm with Frannie I hope you all are getting counselling.... And if you cant afford it relationships australia offers a sliding scale and mental health can arrange free counselling... or if you belong to a church they can help with some sort of counselling...
Trust is hard.... I dont know that I could trust again after something like this happens...
Thankfully I've never been in this situation...
Some people in relationships are never able to move beyond the betrayal an affair represents. This last post certainly sounds like you are one of them. In which case, there is nothing he can do that will change this. I agree with some other posters that it would be good to see a counselor several times before reaching my conclusion for yourself. But a large percentage of marriages never recover from infidelity. From your earlier posts, I had hoped yours would recover. This last post makes me wonder :-(
He tells me he is trying? Is he?
Yes he is. But does he truly know what he needs to do.
He tells me he loves me. Does he?
Yes he does.
He tells me he will never do this again. Will he?
Its hard to say. If he can fix the emotional issues that first caused him to cheat then maybe. But cheating is a learned behavior that is hard to break.
He tells me this time it is different. Is it?
Not until he wakes up and realizes what is wrong.
That's an interesting comment MT, "cheating is a leanred behaviour"
I had never thought of it that way.
Whoa. Deep post.
I think the thing is here is if you want to TRUST him. That might take a lot of energy. Is it worth it?
manic I think you have made a good point, having faith requires " not seeing" but choosing to have trust.
Once bitten twice shy or as Bush would say and I quote lol
"There's an old...saying in Tennessee...I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says Fool me once...(3 second pause)... Shame on...(4 second pause)...Shame on you....(6 second pause)...Fool me...Can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tennessee, Sept. 17, 2002.
What if he can't answer these questions?
If he can't answer these questions then it says to me that it will happen again. Until you pull something apart and identify why it happened, it will continue to happen. Unless you fully understand the way something works then you will always be subjected to 'mechanical failure'.
If he can't answer these questions and understand why he is the way he is then I am not going to risk being hurt like this again.
I NEED to know myself that it wont happen again. Just saying to me "it won't happen again" is not enough for me.
He needs to tell me "why" it won't happen again.
You know this is a learning curve for all of us, thanks Kate, your wise
May I ask, what ended his previous marriages? Was it cheating? If so, do you think it really is possible for him to change?
A very powerful post. The feeling I get right now reading this is that you do not trust him. You are absolutely furious at him (and why shouldn't you be?). You need a mediator to get you to get to the core of this problem which you identify. WHY did he cheat on you? And how are you going to rebuild your marriage?
Well guys...I think we have movement. He has turned a corner and the difference is amazing! I will try and write a post about the changes this week.
For those asking about counselling we have found an awesome psycologist who is a relationship coach and specialises in infidelity. It really is bizarre that Charlie drives the boat and he makes all the appointments.
I did go through a period recently where I refused to attend any sessions because I felt I needed to heal a bit more myself before contemplating couples counselling.
So I have since gone back to an appointment with our 'coach'. It is really interesting when we see him and I think we both get alot out of our appointments.
His previous marriages did not end because of cheating. However, he did cheat!
congrats on entering counselling sounds like huge improvements have been made!! Fingers Crossed (FC) it all works well....
I do hope that you all are in individual counselling as well it sounds like it can help the both of you....
I just found your blog today and read it. I'm sorry for what happened to you. My question to you is, do you really want to stay with him? Is that the scary question? What do you want? I probably sound hard but I'm not and I do feel for you. I've been through some awful things and been in some dark places but I do know that I can't change anybody, only myself. My heart goes out to you.
So his other MARRIAGES didn't end from cheating, but he did cheat. I think that supports MT's idea of cheating as learned behavior. He's learned that it's ok to cheat and that he can be forgiven for it.
Please be very careful, Kate.
"It's now about why he did it. It's now about why he isn't going to do it again."
Finding the answer to these questions will go a long way towards rebuilding trust. I know that for me I couldn't start to trust my husband or in our future until I understood the "why." Without knowing that, it can't be prevented in the future. Counseling helped a lot towards getting those answers.
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