Wednesday, January 17, 2007

"Tell mummy about your new friends"

So you took the kids out this week and spent some one on one time with them whilst I was at work.

How fucking noble of you.

Did you use this chance to catch up with the Mistress like you did once before? Remember the time you took our children to a local tourist attraction whilst I slept after a night shift?

I do. I will never forget. I believed you were thinking of me and being a wonderful dad and husband. I never even questioned you, but recall kissing you and thanking you for being so thoughtful. How fucking naïve was I?

You had arranged to meet the mistress at that location with her children. Was this part of your plan, grooming the children so the sudden shock did not impact them when you moved in with her? After all you weren’t moving in with a stranger because they had met this woman, hadn't they? They already knew her and their new step sister and step brother. Don’t tell me, you only had the kids’ best interests in mind, didn’t you?

And did you enjoy coming home and telling me that they had met some new friends? “Tell mummy about your new friends.” You even told me their ‘new friends’ names. Did that feel good rubbing it in my face?

Here I was thinking you were such a wonderful daddy and husband, thinking of me so I could sleep after coming off night shift and wanting to spend some quality time with your children.

And all the while it was to get another hit, to fill that urgent desire to feed your addiction. Had it been one of the weeks where you had not seen her and you were suffering from withdrawal symptoms, desperate for your next hit?

And now, months after this event, I am the one that is racked with consuming thoughts through the simple fatherly act of you taking the children out whilst I am at work. It leads me into despair deep enough to make me feel nauseous.

Does the affair continue? Is this another of your secret meetings? Or are you already out looking for the next one and using your children as a tool? How appealing would that be to all those ‘single and looking’ females at the same place, a committed father that is taking his kids out on his own to a local attraction?

How pathetic have I become that I question your motive for spending quality time with your children? Are you happy with the monster that you have created?

Do you like this being that is now me, a former shadow of herself? How on earth could you possibly like such a person? Why on earth would you love this creature that stands before you?

I hope you are happy with the new me, because I can’t stand to look at her in the mirror. I can't stand the suspicious mind, the lingering doubt, the distrust, the unanswered questions.

There are times when I look at you and hate you. I hate you for treating me the way you treat me and for doing what you did. But then I realise I created the monster within you, because I allowed you to treat me the way you did.

I put up with it. I allowed you to get away with it. I gave you chance after chance. I accepted your lies. I accepted your selfish behaviour. I accepted being second best to everything else that was in your life.

I was the fool that set the precedent.

Well guess what Charlie? Not anymore!

NOT ANYMORE!!!

12 Comments:

Blogger KBear said...

I hope it all gets better for you Kate.

Don't let yourself be that person. It's hard im sure, but if you allow the animal to grab hold, you will never be free of it.

Hold on tight, and don't let go!! You will make it through.

Im praying for you.

Thursday, January 18, 2007 12:45:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This hits too close to home for me. I think all of the same thoughts (exit children though) and have asked all the same questions!

"How pathetic have I become that I question your motive for spending quality time with your children?"

I would call that cautious and alert.

"Are you happy with the monster that you have created?"

You are not a monster. These thoughts,feelings and doubts are a product of his actions.

"Do you like this being that is now me, a former shadow of herself?"

When he replaces them with new positive actions your security and true self will return.

How on earth could you possibly like such a person? Why on earth would you love this creature that stands before you?

Because he knows your heart. He knows this is who you are now while you are hurting.

Seems like this will never fade. I know that ache and it hurts so very badly. Worse than a physical punch. You relax for a minute and then the slightest thing brings terrible visions or words that haunt you slamming into the forefront.

Keep healing. Keep focused on what you want your life to be and remember how short the ride is. Don't waste a minute...whatever that means for you...with or without Charlie.

Hugs!

Thursday, January 18, 2007 1:46:00 am  
Blogger Determined said...

I agree 100% with Mac. I too feel like a "former shadow of herself".

For your case, I know it's very hard, but if you have accepted him back into your life, you will also have to accept that it will take time for you to feel normal again.

I read that people who reconcile may have stronger marriages than they did previously. Maybe that may be something good for you to think about.

Thursday, January 18, 2007 4:12:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Time is the only healer, and you not a monster, your a woman who was betrayed by the man you trusted your life heart and soul with. Don't be so harsh on yourself Kate. It is true what they say, If it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger..

Thursday, January 18, 2007 7:55:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wish I could give you hug, I don't know about a cheating husband but I know about pain and hurt and betrayal and it hurts like a bugger. Take care of yourself.

Thursday, January 18, 2007 10:41:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with everything Mack says.

Please try not to torture yourself Kate.

The passage of time alone will not heal you. At some point, in time, you will need to deal with these demons that haunt you.

I know it's hard not to relive those things that Charlie did. Being angry and hurt and venting that pain is absolutely essential.

But please try not to torture yourself with the same scenes consuming your thoughts over and over. Your counsellor can give you some ideas of ways to close some of those wounds by dealing once and for all with those thoughts that cause you so much heartache.

I know you will never forget. My psyche explained it to me like this when I was having trouble letting go of some heartbreaking visions.

"Someone punched a big hole in your living room wall. Every time you entered the room and looked at it, you became upset. It was an eyesore. It ruined the entire room.

You hung a picture over it for a while. But you knew the hole was still under it. You lifted the picture every now and then and looked at the hole and became upset all over again.

One day, you finally arranged to have the hole plastered over. You weren't sure what colour to paint the wall. Keep the same shade that was there or choose a new shade?

So you hang the picture over the patch, but you can see the overlapping plaster around the edges and it continues to bother and upset you.

So you make a decision. You repaint. Whether it's the same colour or a new one. Then the wall is as good as new. You'll always know that there's an extra patch of plaster under those layers of paint, but it doesn't bother you or upset you anymore. It's just there...a memory"

Mack'a last paragraph is so apt,

"Keep healing. Keep focused on what you want your life to be and remember how short the ride is. Don't waste a minute...whatever that means for you...with or without Charlie".

Choose a colour soon Kate, and repaint. ( I do hope you choose the Charlie colour, but it's only you who can make that decision)

Thursday, January 18, 2007 1:01:00 pm  
Blogger Leigh said...

Kate you are only human. This is part of healing I am sure. It breaks my heart to read your pain. Deep breath my friend. Hang in there.

I hope your day gets better.

Friday, January 19, 2007 9:26:00 am  
Blogger kissmekate said...

You know guys I feel really good about where I am at the moment. In terms of my stength I am so happy that I am NOT going to put up with what I used to. I am insisting on changes and if they do not happen then I am happy to move on without Charlie.

However, at this stage he is making the changes necessary and is learning alot about himself. The problems are still with me and I am sure these will sort themselves out with time.

Thanks for your support!

Friday, January 19, 2007 9:41:00 am  
Blogger MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Wow, your mind can never shut off these things, and I don't see how it could.

But, regarding this part:

I accepted your lies. I accepted your selfish behaviour.

How could you have accepted his lies? He was lying to you. You didn't know! Don't blame yourself for any of it.

Friday, January 19, 2007 10:20:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep plugging away Kate, and remember those bad moments do past.. and charlie does love you xx

Friday, January 19, 2007 2:10:00 pm  
Blogger Frannie Farmer said...

Oh Kate .. I have been by in a while .. and am so sorry to find you feeling like this.
I have lived this feeling, for far too long .. it ate away at me and made me second guess every decision, every choice .. it was not a good way to live. I hope that you are able to get past this, I really do ... you deserve more.

Friday, January 19, 2007 5:22:00 pm  
Blogger kissmekate said...

Hi Frannie and kbear....I have missed you! Welcome back.

Manic he has lied to me many times over the years and stupid me has taken him back on his promise "I will never do it again". I have then taken his promise again next time and then the time after that and the time after that.

However, in saying that he has NEVER had another affair because he will never get another chance. I am still not entirely certain I even want to give him another chance this time.

When he replaces them with new positive actions your security and true self will return.

Mac - I hope you are right with this because I have never felt so insecure in my whole entire life.

I read that people who reconcile may have stronger marriages than they did previously. Maybe that may be something good for you to think about

Solaris - I have often read that also. But the fear of being hurt again is holding me back from recommitting to my marraige. I have not entirely accepted him back yet. I am still taking my time healing myself before I even contemplate reconciliation. I ams till yet to decide whether I want in or out.

Sammy D - I think I need to get some colour charts. Love the analogy! Thanks!

Leigh, Lara and Deb thanks for your support too.

Monday, January 22, 2007 12:52:00 am  

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