"Tell mummy about your new friends"

So you took the kids out this week and spent some one on one time with them whilst I was at work.

How fucking noble of you.

Did you use this chance to catch up with the Mistress like you did once before? Remember the time you took our children to a local tourist attraction whilst I slept after a night shift?

I do. I will never forget. I believed you were thinking of me and being a wonderful dad and husband. I never even questioned you, but recall kissing you and thanking you for being so thoughtful. How fucking naïve was I?

You had arranged to meet the mistress at that location with her children. Was this part of your plan, grooming the children so the sudden shock did not impact them when you moved in with her? After all you weren’t moving in with a stranger because they had met this woman, hadn't they? They already knew her and their new step sister and step brother. Don’t tell me, you only had the kids’ best interests in mind, didn’t you?

And did you enjoy coming home and telling me that they had met some new friends? “Tell mummy about your new friends.” You even told me their ‘new friends’ names. Did that feel good rubbing it in my face?

Here I was thinking you were such a wonderful daddy and husband, thinking of me so I could sleep after coming off night shift and wanting to spend some quality time with your children.

And all the while it was to get another hit, to fill that urgent desire to feed your addiction. Had it been one of the weeks where you had not seen her and you were suffering from withdrawal symptoms, desperate for your next hit?

And now, months after this event, I am the one that is racked with consuming thoughts through the simple fatherly act of you taking the children out whilst I am at work. It leads me into despair deep enough to make me feel nauseous.

Does the affair continue? Is this another of your secret meetings? Or are you already out looking for the next one and using your children as a tool? How appealing would that be to all those ‘single and looking’ females at the same place, a committed father that is taking his kids out on his own to a local attraction?

How pathetic have I become that I question your motive for spending quality time with your children? Are you happy with the monster that you have created?

Do you like this being that is now me, a former shadow of herself? How on earth could you possibly like such a person? Why on earth would you love this creature that stands before you?

I hope you are happy with the new me, because I can’t stand to look at her in the mirror. I can't stand the suspicious mind, the lingering doubt, the distrust, the unanswered questions.

There are times when I look at you and hate you. I hate you for treating me the way you treat me and for doing what you did. But then I realise I created the monster within you, because I allowed you to treat me the way you did.

I put up with it. I allowed you to get away with it. I gave you chance after chance. I accepted your lies. I accepted your selfish behaviour. I accepted being second best to everything else that was in your life.

I was the fool that set the precedent.

Well guess what Charlie? Not anymore!

NOT ANYMORE!!!