The daily grind
The last 5 months there have been some great times shadowed with really dark times. It has been really easy for you to devote so much time to me hasn't it? You have been on leave from work, as have I. You have not had anywhere near the normal amount of outside commitments to fulfill. It has been relatively easy for you to take me out for lunch and to make those special dinners, hasn't it?
Let's look at the last 5 months Charlie. In the last 5 months I have felt very unloved. I have needed to feel that you were here because you wanted to be. You have showered me with cards and gifts, phone messages and emails and little love notes.
I asked you to take me out for dinner once a month. I asked you to take me away for a weekend every 3 months. I asked you to put me first and to treat me the same way you treat all your work colleagues and associates.
You nearly had me won over, didn't you? You nearly had me fooled that you had changed, that you did love me, that I was a priority in your life. You nearly had me convinced that leopards do change their spots.
But now that we are back into the normal daily grind things have gone right back to where they were 12 months ago. Only this time I see right through you.
Why do I once again have to fight to be a priority in your life? Because you thought you nearly had me won over that you could drop those balls Charlie? That I would just say "Oh well never mind" ?
What have you done in the last month to show that you are committed to this marriage Charlie? Have you purchased me any cards like you used to, just because? Have you made any time for ME and US? I got a bunch of flowers 3 weeks ago when I went away, a gorgeous bunch, very unexpected.
Have you sent me emails like you did 2 months ago? You sent me one...let's look at that very loving and devoted email in its entirety Charlie.
From: Charlie
Sent: Thursday, 15 February 2007 10:31 AM
To: Kate Jones
Subject: March 12
Do you know what you’re working on Monday March 12th.
I’ve been invited to play in a charity golf day at XXXXX.
It would probably see me being tied up till after 3pm. If you’re not off, it’s cool for me to knock it back. But if you are, I wouldn’t mind doing it
How many times have you taken me out for dinner Charlie, just you and I? Not a work function, just you and I, purely because you wanted to take ME out.
How many weekends have you taken me away, not a work related trip, but purely because you wanted to take me away? Remember the trip you were planning for us in January? Surprisingly you did not follow through on this promise did you? I can't remember the reason you gave, but you always try and justify letting me down.
Have you hidden anything from me? What about the meeting that you knew about for a week or so, the one that you told me about as you were walking out the door?
And what about the board meeting that you went to, you know the board that you joined because all the meetings would be held during the day and would not eat into family time, the board that we could do stuff with as a family, you know that one?Funnily enough you made dinner before you left for that meeting and could not eat dinner with us and we are yet to do ONE single thing as a family pertaining to the foundation you support.
And I see from the emails that you have committed to coaching again this winter. You did not bother to tell me, I figured it out when the season registration emails came through.
But I guess it's OK because family time won't suffer will it? Yeah right. The same as last year when your children wanted to go away for a weekend and we were given the opportunity to stay in a chalet in the snowfields for FREE. We did not end up going because you "couldn't let your boys down". Didn't mind letting YOUR biological children down though, did you?
But I guess that we still have Sunday don't we? Oh, hang on, we don't because you are tied up doing a weekly gig on a Sunday night and in order to fulfill your commitment you need to work Sunday morning to prepare.
And now today you shit on me again. We have decided to relaunch my business, this time making it bigger and better. The trade fair is on next month and YOU suggested you would come with me. The trip in itself hurts Charlie, leaves me with a bitter sweet taste in my mouth because it is a symbolic weekend.
Remember last year's expo? YOU let me down at the last minute, because you were asked to attend a school function, a stupid fucking school fete. YOU decided I could go on my own. I gave you back my wedding ring the night before I left and told you I would never put it back on.
And I haven't.
So today you tell me that you are doing a work function that weekend. Heaven forbid you should tell someone else you are not available because you are doing something with your wife! So you pulled the rug out from under ME again.
Only this time I have not fallen as hard because I EXPECTED it.
I EXPECTED you to let me down. I EXPECTED you to hurt me. I EXPECTED you to take me for granted.
After accepting years of this behaviour I EXPECT nothing less from you these days.
This is the pattern of our relationship, isn't it? When things get cosy you fill your life with outside interests and have no time for me. You take me for granted because I will always be there tomorrow.
You keep tipping fuel on the fire and then you run. You fucking turn your back and run because you can't handle the heat. You run.
"Oh well I got away with that one. The flames have tamed now. So I can afford to dump another container of fuel now because the flames are not that high."
And what happens Charlie? You singe your eyebrows and then you turn and run.
You honestly don't see why I feel the way I do, do you Charlie? You stand in front of me and say nothing has changed.
I disagree Charlie, because I have changed and I am no longer prepared to put up with you filling your life with outside interests and expecting me to just accept being the bottom of your list of your priorities.
And because I have changed I have had 4 months where you have wanted to spend time with me, not the usual 2 to 3 weeks before things go back to normal. This time it took a little longer to win me over, didn't Charlie? You thought you had me back, didn't you? You thought you could afford to throw some more fuel and run.
But guess what Charlie? This time I am running.
Let's look at the last 5 months Charlie. In the last 5 months I have felt very unloved. I have needed to feel that you were here because you wanted to be. You have showered me with cards and gifts, phone messages and emails and little love notes.
I asked you to take me out for dinner once a month. I asked you to take me away for a weekend every 3 months. I asked you to put me first and to treat me the same way you treat all your work colleagues and associates.
You nearly had me won over, didn't you? You nearly had me fooled that you had changed, that you did love me, that I was a priority in your life. You nearly had me convinced that leopards do change their spots.
But now that we are back into the normal daily grind things have gone right back to where they were 12 months ago. Only this time I see right through you.
Why do I once again have to fight to be a priority in your life? Because you thought you nearly had me won over that you could drop those balls Charlie? That I would just say "Oh well never mind" ?
What have you done in the last month to show that you are committed to this marriage Charlie? Have you purchased me any cards like you used to, just because? Have you made any time for ME and US? I got a bunch of flowers 3 weeks ago when I went away, a gorgeous bunch, very unexpected.
Have you sent me emails like you did 2 months ago? You sent me one...let's look at that very loving and devoted email in its entirety Charlie.
From: Charlie
Sent: Thursday, 15 February 2007 10:31 AM
To: Kate Jones
Subject: March 12
Do you know what you’re working on Monday March 12th.
I’ve been invited to play in a charity golf day at XXXXX.
It would probably see me being tied up till after 3pm. If you’re not off, it’s cool for me to knock it back. But if you are, I wouldn’t mind doing it
How many times have you taken me out for dinner Charlie, just you and I? Not a work function, just you and I, purely because you wanted to take ME out.
How many weekends have you taken me away, not a work related trip, but purely because you wanted to take me away? Remember the trip you were planning for us in January? Surprisingly you did not follow through on this promise did you? I can't remember the reason you gave, but you always try and justify letting me down.
Have you hidden anything from me? What about the meeting that you knew about for a week or so, the one that you told me about as you were walking out the door?
And what about the board meeting that you went to, you know the board that you joined because all the meetings would be held during the day and would not eat into family time, the board that we could do stuff with as a family, you know that one?Funnily enough you made dinner before you left for that meeting and could not eat dinner with us and we are yet to do ONE single thing as a family pertaining to the foundation you support.
And I see from the emails that you have committed to coaching again this winter. You did not bother to tell me, I figured it out when the season registration emails came through.
But I guess it's OK because family time won't suffer will it? Yeah right. The same as last year when your children wanted to go away for a weekend and we were given the opportunity to stay in a chalet in the snowfields for FREE. We did not end up going because you "couldn't let your boys down". Didn't mind letting YOUR biological children down though, did you?
But I guess that we still have Sunday don't we? Oh, hang on, we don't because you are tied up doing a weekly gig on a Sunday night and in order to fulfill your commitment you need to work Sunday morning to prepare.
And now today you shit on me again. We have decided to relaunch my business, this time making it bigger and better. The trade fair is on next month and YOU suggested you would come with me. The trip in itself hurts Charlie, leaves me with a bitter sweet taste in my mouth because it is a symbolic weekend.
Remember last year's expo? YOU let me down at the last minute, because you were asked to attend a school function, a stupid fucking school fete. YOU decided I could go on my own. I gave you back my wedding ring the night before I left and told you I would never put it back on.
And I haven't.
So today you tell me that you are doing a work function that weekend. Heaven forbid you should tell someone else you are not available because you are doing something with your wife! So you pulled the rug out from under ME again.
Only this time I have not fallen as hard because I EXPECTED it.
I EXPECTED you to let me down. I EXPECTED you to hurt me. I EXPECTED you to take me for granted.
After accepting years of this behaviour I EXPECT nothing less from you these days.
This is the pattern of our relationship, isn't it? When things get cosy you fill your life with outside interests and have no time for me. You take me for granted because I will always be there tomorrow.
You keep tipping fuel on the fire and then you run. You fucking turn your back and run because you can't handle the heat. You run.
"Oh well I got away with that one. The flames have tamed now. So I can afford to dump another container of fuel now because the flames are not that high."
And what happens Charlie? You singe your eyebrows and then you turn and run.
You honestly don't see why I feel the way I do, do you Charlie? You stand in front of me and say nothing has changed.
I disagree Charlie, because I have changed and I am no longer prepared to put up with you filling your life with outside interests and expecting me to just accept being the bottom of your list of your priorities.
And because I have changed I have had 4 months where you have wanted to spend time with me, not the usual 2 to 3 weeks before things go back to normal. This time it took a little longer to win me over, didn't Charlie? You thought you had me back, didn't you? You thought you could afford to throw some more fuel and run.
But guess what Charlie? This time I am running.
posted by kissmekate at 10:22 pm
35 Comments:
I'm so sorry. I think you should do what you think is right for you and your kids. You will survive. I'm sure it hurts like hell but you will survive
There is a site that might interest you and give you some inspiration, if it's not your style that's fine.
www.dailyom.com
Kate,
I don't know if you are making the right decision, but please don't make it in a time of anger. Wait until you are calm and in control then think about it rationally.
Charlie has done many things to win you back. He had too. He had no other choice. He can't sustain that. Nobody could! If you two are to remain together then you both have to learn to love each when things are normal. With the team, with work, with everything that goes with life.
Perfect is unattainable. How good is less than perfect? Could you be happy?
Kate - Maybe I am missing something. But reading through your list of things he can't do, or hasn't done, just seems like the life of everyone else these days. nothing exceptional about it, and perhaps no reason for divorce. People in marriages don't typically receive lovey greeting cards "just for nothing" after awhile. But this seems to be your pattern now, and perhaps there is nothing left for Charlie to do. Some relationships never recover from an infidelity. Sadly, yours is sounding like one of those that never does.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I'm sorry Kate that you feel so badly. I must say I agree with the mt_detroit and john. If it has come to ticking and crossing dinners, emails, cards and flowers this will never be sustainable. Two people who love each other and have a healthy relationship should be able to just BE.
It would seem like such a tragedy to close the book on this story now. Nobody is perfect, but Charlie seems to be trying so hard to change his behaviour and be the man you want him to be.
It seems that when he meets your stringent requirements, you change the rules.
Let him love you Kate. And try to find it in your heart to love him back.
Good luck to both of you.
Franca
Also I was thinking about the work functions that you attend to together and presume these would be freebies. Many couples can't afford to enjoy events like black tie balls. On the other hand many couples would be just as content with a picnic under the stars if that's all the coffers could afford.
On the face of it I would say that Kate's heart is just to broken and will remain broken while in Charlie's presence. It happens and sometimes it means that while Kate might be turning those stones to earn her way out she is blind to what is underneath the stones and therefore rehabilitation is not posible.
It's a shame that Kate has not continued some form of counseling. If there is depression and I thought I read on Charlie's blog a bipolar dignosis? it is a tough road with out professional help and even with that asistance it's no picnic either.
deb - thanks for the site links. I will check them out.
mt detroit - I am calm. I am calmer than I have ever been before when in this situation. Charlie has done many things to win me back and you are right when you say he had no choice.
But when you say he can't sustain that are you talking about all the cards and dinners etc? Because at the end of it Mike it takes one HUGE let down to wipe out all of those small offerings.
Quote from "NOT 'Just Friends' "
One zinger will erase twenty acts of kindness, according to researchers Cliff Notarius and Howard Markman.
Being happy would mean me being a little higher up the rung Mike, not #1, just a little higher.
John - it isn't just the cards and things like that. It's all the huge let downs.
And I am beginning to agree with you in relation to my marriage never healing due to the infidelity. But I am criticised by Charlie who hurls abuse at me because I am choosing to end his life. MMMMMMMM.....I did not step outside the boundaries of the marriage, but somehow it is my fault that I continue to bleed.
the cat - too much personal info for my liking. I have deleted your comment.
Oh and don't forget to mention that half that money was to pay your credit card off!
Wake up Kate. For god's sake, for my sake, for the children's sake....wake up and see that I love you.
With all respect that sounds really cheap coming from you.
dewdrop - again, it is not just about cards and emails.
Two people who love each other and have a healthy relationship should be able to just BE.
Ours is not a healthy relationship whilst Charlie continues to lie to me and treat me the way he does.
Franca welcome!
It seems that when he meets your stringent requirements, you change the rules.
When it boils down I really don't expect much and even Charlie has said this.
In November 2005 he came to me and said those exact words. He had worked out that all I wantd was for him to spend some time with me. And he was right.
So the following month he went and had an affair.
What does that tell you?
It tells me that he did not want to spend time with me and the very thought of it pushed him into the arms of someone else.
dewdrop - I agree with you in relation to the functions. My point is if he can make a complete night for whis work, then why can't he do the same for me? Why can't I be the centre of his attention on occasion?
As far as bipolar - it is being reassessed because I have not suffered symptoms for years. It is now looking like the origianl diagnosis of Post Partum Depression. And NO I am NOT in denial....ask my shrink.
And yes we have had some picnics under the stars and they are wonderful. I would take ANYTHING that meant I was his centre of attention for a night. ANYTHING.
Not surprised that you deleted my comment. The one that detailed everything that I have done in the last 3 weeks. Cos when you see it all written down, it does look quite impressive.
Not surprised at all. Tell me exactly what I have to remove from that list of things and I will re-write and republish
My list did include the fact that I sent you flowers in while you were away three weeks ago. It did include a transcript of the note that I left on your bedside table the day before Valentines Day.
It included details of the wonderful dinner we had at a gorgeous little Korean Cafe in town on Friday night. Also the movie that we watched together underneath the stars on Friday night. The black tie Valentines Day that we attended in our glad rags on Wednesday night.
It included the fact that every night in the last 3 weeks I prepared dinner for you and the family as I do every night. That I also did most of the washing and cleaned up the kitchen on most nights.
It also included some specific details of how I have supported your new business venture.
You are up extremely high on my priority list and you will continue to be there forever.
I love you Kate. I wish you could see that through the fog that you find yourself in at the moment.
Charlie/the cat
I've now found a copy of that hand written note that I left beside your bed on Tuesday morning of last week.
Here 'tis
"To My Darling Kate,
Happy 'day before Valentines Day'
I watched you sleep for a while this morning. You are so beautiful.
I wanted to tell you how much I love you. Also how proud I am of you following the approach from that other work place trying to poach you. Well done. It's no wonder you've managed to impress.
I did also want to say that I'm impressed with the way you've allowed me back into your life. I know that goes against so many of your natural instincts and it's no wonder it's hard going for you on occasions.
Thank you so much, I won't let you down.
Charlie."
Charlie I am not going to turn my blog into a slanging match. I have not denied the things you have done.
And instead of big-noting yourself about dinner in the Korean cafe, why did you fail to mention that it was in the one and half hours spare before you raced off to a work function to watch a movie under the stars? WORK FUNCTION
Black tie ball - WORK FUNCTION with you taking an offical role.
Why will you not read between my post and see what I am saying? Do you see that you have let me down? Do you see the constant behaviour patterns?
You continue to do whatever it is you want to do and believe there will be no consequences. There are consequences......a VERY unhappy wife. But when it all boils down to it for you that does not matter. As long as you keep everyone else happy, you are happy.
And you sicken me when you try and take full credit for all that you do in this house.
Don't forget how I did everything, worked fulltime shift work, tried to operate a business, got incredibly sick, raced kids around to childcare, school, work and birthday parties and friends houses, cooked dinner, washed and ironed for a large family and cleaned house when YOU decided you didn't love me and left me for someone else.
But I guess all those phone calls, emails and notes make up for that.
They don't make up for it all my darling. But you know that I'm doing my best to make ammends for the mistakes that I made last year. I've taken full responsiblity for what I did and I'm trying to fix it.
I'm not saying that my actions fix everything, but I was responding to your suggestion that I had put you on the 'back burner"
I am absolutely devoted to you and our family.
I concede that I have become somewhat emotional and frustrated over your turnaround in the last 4 days. Any human being in this situation wouldn't be human if they didn't get emotional about it.
Let's see if we can stem the flow of anger and work on constructive things.
And as per usual you avoid the real issues. You are an expert at sweeping them into the corner and hoping they deal with themselves.
Well done!
If ya need an ear Im here for ya kate..
Whoa, you need to realize that love comes in many more forms than just flowers, cards, or emails.
I would give anything for a hug with my girl today. Anything.
Your right anom , what is love?
The most basic principal of true, godly love is this: Love lays down its life for others. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13).
call be a bible basher by all means but I understand this passage, it means love is sticking your neck out for another person, even if that means sacrificing your own wants.
OMG Mac! Are you serious???
ROTFPMSL!!!!
I thought you knew!!!
I just about thought EVERYONE knew!
Anon - "Whoa, you need to realize that love comes in many more forms than just flowers, cards, or emails"
Did you not read my comments? I have said it is not about cards and emails etc.
But in my book love is not about constant hurt and pain, constant lies and deception. Nor is it about being constantly let down.
We thought most people would have lined both blogs up and said..."hang on a minute. There's something strange going on here."
I'm sorry Kate, but I fail to see how I'm hurting you constantly.
Your talk of me reverting to my old behaviour is about you assuming that because my life is full that I won't have time for you in coming months.
You have to let me prove to you that just because I have a busy schedule, I won't drop the ball with you.
So Charlie, let me get this straight.
You are asking me to drop my guard so you can prove to me that you won't let me down?
Have you not already proven to me in the last few weeks that you are not capable of fitting me in?
Be honest with yourself Charlie. How much effort have you made? Is this relationship no different to what it was 12 months ago?
I think not. The only difference is that I refuse to take your shit anymore and my guard is so high protecting me from being hurt once again.
I won't drop it. You have hreceived enough good will from me. There is no more. But where is yours?
Oh and if I do assume that because your life is full you won't have time for me it is because historically that is exactly what you have proven to me!
Tell everyone about your last session with your psychologist. You cried because why?
I just don't understand how you can say that I've dropped the ball in the last 3 weeks. I don't get that.
Yes our lives are set to busy up again, but it would seem unfair to just assume that because we're both busier that I'm going to drop the ball.
What have you done for me to show me that you love me ?
And again you ignore the real issues.
So unlike you.
But I am not going to discuss this in blogland.
Ultimately it doesn't matter how little you show me. I have no rights in this relationship. I just have to accept whatever you dish up.
and so the table turns
It seems so cruel to see this all happening publicly. Can't you see that he loves you Kate.
You two need to just take some time to regroup.
Talk to each other. You need to try.
Tess it is not just cruel, it is painful that he will only communicate with me in this forum.
That to me is not at all constructive for this relationship.
And this is one of the reasons I have seriously considered taking my blog down.
Thanks for the reality check Tess.
I am outta blogland guys! Thanks for your support during the last few months.
Go for broke Cat.....the floor is all yours, just how you like it!
My darling, I'm sure we'll endeavour to have a discussion about it all tonight.
I know I'll try. I hope you do to. Surely there's too much at stake not to.
It doesn't matter how many times someone tells you they love you if they don't make you FEEL loved. Words are cheap.
The rest of us can say whatever we want, but Kate is the only one who knows how she feels. Good luck with whatever you decide, Kate. Like Deb said, you will survive.
And yet on so many occasions in the last 5 months, Kate has given me the impression that she has felt love. Refer to the Jan 24 post on this blog. "The best birthday ever"
All of a sudden that feeling seems to have gone.
Kate, I really feel for you, and the following is said with true respect for you and what you are going through.
I really do understand what you are saying, as I am going through exactly the same emotions myself. I came down from the euphoria of our anniversary weekend and sunk into another one of those 'rehashing the past' episodes. What went wrong?, where?, how?, why?, whose fault was it? what are you going to do about it? etc. Dwelling on comments made by K about our past, which appeared to justify his affair (of course this path they took can never be justified). I was completely letting these bad thoughts wipe out all the good things that have been happening lately.
The books and websites I've read say this rollercoaster can continue for quite some time, so I guess we have to try and take the downs as well as the ups. Sometimes, though, I think that reading these 'theories' can be partly responsible for the barrier we are putting on our recovery process. Just because the so-called 'experts' say this is what happens, and that it can take up to two years to recover, doesn't necessarily mean it has to be that way. K certainly thinks that this is what's holding me back, as well as rehashing things by writing my blog (but he has always been quite pragmatic about things). I can fully appreciate that both K and Charlie want their lives to get back to normal. I don't think that they want to do this just to help erase their guilt, etc, it's just that I do think that it really hurts them to see us suffering in this way. I know they are the cause of this suffering, but do we really have to make them suffer too? It really is not healthy (I know it's making me quite ill) and I am reluctant to admit that I think I am now holding up the recovery process with this constant barrage of tears and recriminations.
I can tell that Charlie has been trying hard, by comments made on both your blogs, and I made a comment that I wish K had done half of this. I realise this may be a hard pill to swallow (I am having a tough enough time with it myself), but perhaps you are trying to make Charlie pay back just a little too much. And what will it all prove in the end? Dinners and flowers, etc, do not prove anything. K was buying me gifts during his affair. Maybe the 'huge letdowns' you mention would not be that huge if you could take a step back and think about it logically, as difficult as I appreciate this will be - I know, I've tried to reason and rationalise these things myself.
At some point we have to give in and start giving something back to the relationship ourselves, if we want it to succeed, however reluctant we may be to do that, in light of 'us' being the victim in all this. That's not to say we are trivialising what has happened. Essentially, it's down to you and me whether we really want in or out. But that decision has to be taken with some rational thinking behind it.
Please take care that you really know what you are doing. Best wishes to you, whatever you decide.
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