Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The daily grind

The last 5 months there have been some great times shadowed with really dark times. It has been really easy for you to devote so much time to me hasn't it? You have been on leave from work, as have I. You have not had anywhere near the normal amount of outside commitments to fulfill. It has been relatively easy for you to take me out for lunch and to make those special dinners, hasn't it?

Let's look at the last 5 months Charlie. In the last 5 months I have felt very unloved. I have needed to feel that you were here because you wanted to be. You have showered me with cards and gifts, phone messages and emails and little love notes.

I asked you to take me out for dinner once a month. I asked you to take me away for a weekend every 3 months. I asked you to put me first and to treat me the same way you treat all your work colleagues and associates.

You nearly had me won over, didn't you? You nearly had me fooled that you had changed, that you did love me, that I was a priority in your life. You nearly had me convinced that leopards do change their spots.

But now that we are back into the normal daily grind things have gone right back to where they were 12 months ago. Only this time I see right through you.

Why do I once again have to fight to be a priority in your life? Because you thought you nearly had me won over that you could drop those balls Charlie? That I would just say "Oh well never mind" ?

What have you done in the last month to show that you are committed to this marriage Charlie? Have you purchased me any cards like you used to, just because? Have you made any time for ME and US? I got a bunch of flowers 3 weeks ago when I went away, a gorgeous bunch, very unexpected.

Have you sent me emails like you did 2 months ago? You sent me one...let's look at that very loving and devoted email in its entirety Charlie.

From: Charlie
Sent: Thursday, 15 February 2007 10:31 AM
To: Kate Jones
Subject: March 12
Do you know what you’re working on Monday March 12th.

I’ve been invited to play in a charity golf day at XXXXX.

It would probably see me being tied up till after 3pm. If you’re not off, it’s cool for me to knock it back. But if you are, I wouldn’t mind doing it

How many times have you taken me out for dinner Charlie, just you and I? Not a work function, just you and I, purely because you wanted to take ME out.

How many weekends have you taken me away, not a work related trip, but purely because you wanted to take me away? Remember the trip you were planning for us in January? Surprisingly you did not follow through on this promise did you? I can't remember the reason you gave, but you always try and justify letting me down.

Have you hidden anything from me? What about the meeting that you knew about for a week or so, the one that you told me about as you were walking out the door?

And what about the board meeting that you went to, you know the board that you joined because all the meetings would be held during the day and would not eat into family time, the board that we could do stuff with as a family, you know that one?Funnily enough you made dinner before you left for that meeting and could not eat dinner with us and we are yet to do ONE single thing as a family pertaining to the foundation you support.

And I see from the emails that you have committed to coaching again this winter. You did not bother to tell me, I figured it out when the season registration emails came through.

But I guess it's OK because family time won't suffer will it? Yeah right. The same as last year when your children wanted to go away for a weekend and we were given the opportunity to stay in a chalet in the snowfields for FREE. We did not end up going because you "couldn't let your boys down". Didn't mind letting YOUR biological children down though, did you?

But I guess that we still have Sunday don't we? Oh, hang on, we don't because you are tied up doing a weekly gig on a Sunday night and in order to fulfill your commitment you need to work Sunday morning to prepare.

And now today you shit on me again. We have decided to relaunch my business, this time making it bigger and better. The trade fair is on next month and YOU suggested you would come with me. The trip in itself hurts Charlie, leaves me with a bitter sweet taste in my mouth because it is a symbolic weekend.

Remember last year's expo? YOU let me down at the last minute, because you were asked to attend a school function, a stupid fucking school fete. YOU decided I could go on my own. I gave you back my wedding ring the night before I left and told you I would never put it back on.

And I haven't.

So today you tell me that you are doing a work function that weekend. Heaven forbid you should tell someone else you are not available because you are doing something with your wife! So you pulled the rug out from under ME again.

Only this time I have not fallen as hard because I EXPECTED it.

I EXPECTED you to let me down. I EXPECTED you to hurt me. I EXPECTED you to take me for granted.

After accepting years of this behaviour I EXPECT nothing less from you these days.

This is the pattern of our relationship, isn't it? When things get cosy you fill your life with outside interests and have no time for me. You take me for granted because I will always be there tomorrow.

You keep tipping fuel on the fire and then you run. You fucking turn your back and run because you can't handle the heat. You run.

"Oh well I got away with that one. The flames have tamed now. So I can afford to dump another container of fuel now because the flames are not that high."

And what happens Charlie? You singe your eyebrows and then you turn and run.

You honestly don't see why I feel the way I do, do you Charlie? You stand in front of me and say nothing has changed.

I disagree Charlie, because I have changed and I am no longer prepared to put up with you filling your life with outside interests and expecting me to just accept being the bottom of your list of your priorities.

And because I have changed I have had 4 months where you have wanted to spend time with me, not the usual 2 to 3 weeks before things go back to normal. This time it took a little longer to win me over, didn't Charlie? You thought you had me back, didn't you? You thought you could afford to throw some more fuel and run.

But guess what Charlie? This time I am running.

Monday, February 19, 2007

I've got a Golden Ticket

I have suffered depression on and off for 6 years now. I have a great psychiatrist that has treated me during this period.

He once said to me that you "earn your way out of a marriage".

Well Charlie has given me a one way golden ticket out of here.

Up until now I could never seem to find the station, but I think I was heading down the wrong street.

I can see the station now and the train is pulling in.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The bubbles have burst

My marriage used to be like a top shelf bottle of champagne. It was always sweet and
bubbly, divine to taste, leaving you with a wonderful delirious feeling with every cold mouthful on your tongue. Every delicious sip would leave you with spine chilling tingles. The bubbles would rise to the top easily and behind it would flow a smooth stream of delicate bubbles, floating to the top before bursting with delight.

The bottle was gorgeous too, and as the suns golden rays shone down on the bottle, streams of colourful light reflected all around it. Sure it had its slight imperfections and as the sun cast its shadow, the colourful rays of light lost there lustre. But there were never any major cracks within that bottle. It was always rock solid, water tight.

But it only took one cork screw to uncork the tight seal. And somehow that cork screw broke the beautiful bottle into pieces. It shattered the bottle, shards of glass exploded everywhere.

And now the sweet and precious wine has become affected by the exposure.The flavour now lacks something. It just isn't the same. It doesn't sparkle. It doesn't bubble. It doesn't taste sweet and fruity. An occasional bubble rises to the top of the bottle, but overall it is flat and has sour undertones.

My marriage is in pieces and no matter how I try to put the pieces back together they never seem to fit. It doesn't matter how Charlie tweaks the pieces trying to make them fit together perfectly, there are always gaps, gaps filled with hurt and anger, mistrust and sceptisism, doubt and fear.

There will always be visible gaps in the bottle now. There will always be some form of hurt and anger, mistrust and sceptism, doubt and fear.

I don't know that the pieces will ever fit well enough to hold it together. I don't know that I want to keep picking up the pieces. I don't know that I even want to keep filing the sharp edges off the pieces. I don't know that I want to turn the pieces around to make them fit better.

Because at the end of the day there will always be gaps between the pieces and at the moment all I see is the pile of rubble lying on the floor in front of me, the pieces that used to be my marriage.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

A plea from the Mistress

Seeing as though I had so many requests for what was in the email, I decided to post it.

Sorry, only joking!

But I have decided to post a few little snippets from the mistress' email.

"I feel that I must send you this note because of the shit that continues in blogland."

I find this interesting when it appears that either the mistress or her 'friends' are the very people stirring up trouble in blogland.

"I have absolutely no wish to maintain any contact with you whatsoever."

That I find laughable, because you just contacted him!!!!

"None of my friends would be childish enough to cause trouble in this way."

I would not have thought that any one of her 'friends' could be bothered to obsessively search blogland, wading through how many blogs, to find our blogs and then pass the address on to other 'friends' so they could read and leave harassing comments.

So who exactly could be bothered? Who would have the vested interest in remaining in our lives?

"Especially if you will please accept the truth that it's not me commenting and causing trouble."

So I guess the mistress is such a truly honest person that I should believe her? I think not. And further more, some of the details that have been eluded to are extremely personal, details that even a mistress would not have told her friends, such as the nickname Charlie used to call the mistress' child.

"I am out of your lives..."

There you have it, the words of wisdom from the mistress. She is out of our lives.

And a personal request for the anonymous commenters from the mistress herself, the very commenters who are obviously VERY close friends with the mistress, "I wish whoever the smart arse anonymous is would stop keeping me in it.

Well there you have, the plea from the mistress. So now all you anonymous commenters please remember the mistress' words.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

"Oh Lord...Deliver me from temptation"

From: The Mistress[mailto:mistress@yahoo.com.au]
Sent: Monday, 5 February 2007 7:24 AM
To: Charlie
Subject: White flag

Dear Charlie,

It's against my better judgement to send you this e-mail. I plead with you not to use it against me legally (I will attempt to word this in such a way that I'm not breaching anything), and that it won't become the subject of a blog.

So you guessed it. She emailed AGAIN!

Only this time she has 'begged' him not to use it against her or for it to become the subject of a blog.

I wonder if I can hold back from the temptation. It had some great stuff in it!!!

I guess she didn't ask me not to use it on MY blog!


Tuesday, February 06, 2007

You didn't answer

The last few days have been really hard for me. Lots of doubt, lots of questions, lots of pain.

I had to go interstate and leave you at home. You knew that this caused me grief because we spoke about. You promised me that you would not let me down. You even made a suggestion that we went together on the weekend, but as usual that just didn't fit with your work commitments. Funny that, heh? Same old, same old, isn't it Charlie?

So I packed the car and left after grabbing some crap to eat on the way at the local drive thru. God I hate that crap, but I just wanted to reach my destination to see my kids.

I had only travelled 25 minutes into the trip and had to call you for something. I can't remember what it was but it was probably not anything of significance.

You didn't answer.

I went numb. I broke out in a sweat. My heart raced.

I was driving but really cannot remember anything else. I was in a daze. This wasn't happening. You wouldn't do this to me, would you?

I had to swallow to stop myself from throwing up. I didn't want to pull over because I knew that I would be violently ill on the side of the road. Not only that, but if I pulled over I would turn back and I knew I had no choice but to keep going.

So I drove.

With my heart in my throat and sweat dripping down my face, I drove.

And then you called.

I was in tears, just about hysterical. I didn't even want to answer my phone. I didn't want to speak to you. I didn't want to hear the inevitable.

But I answered.

You knew I was distressed. I was sobbing. But I couldn't speak to tell you what was wrong. I just drove whilst crying down the phone line into your ear that was miles away.

You had no idea what was wrong. You asked me, but still I could not speak. You continued to ask but the words would not come out. They were stuck behind my lunch that sat at the back of my throat, waiting to be rejected by my body.

I finally calmed down enough to speak.

I screamed at you. I yelled abuse at you. I ranted. I swore at you, calling you all sorts of names.

You cried with me. You apologised and again promised that you would not let me down. You simply couldn't get your phone out of your pocket in time to answer it before it diverted to message bank.

I fucking hate my life at the moment. So much distrust, so much scepticism, so much doubt, so much paranoia, so much pain.

Thanks Charlie for turning such an everyday trip to visit my parents into a living fucking nightmare for me.

From the bottom of my heart......thank you.