Thursday, November 30, 2006

Puppet on a string

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight .
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant a garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers .
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

--Veronica A. Shoffstall

I found this poem on another website and could not help but think how this could be written about me.

I began to learn that his uncommitted involvement with me was chaining my soul and not the loving act of 'holding hands'.

I began to learn that his love was without meaning and that his company was on his terms.

I began to learn that I was his habit and I accepted that I was not his pleasure.

When he told me he was still in love with her, I conceded defeat and started to make plans for myself, plans that did not include him.

I began to travel the path of today not knowing where tomorrow was going to take me.

Everytime he walked away I held my head a little higher.

And with every goodbye I travelled that path a little further.

I learned that he did not want me. I learned that he is capable of betraying me. I learned that he was so willing to tell the most amazing lies about me and to me.

I learned he held no respect for me and repeatedly took me for granted.

I learned that I have too much self respect to stay in a relationship where I am used. I learned that I am worthy of unconditional love. I learned that I deserve to be loved unconditionally and without the fear of having my lover, my best friend, my soul mate, stray when things become rocky between us.

I learned to be strong again, to stand on my own two feet, to not allow myself to be where he wanted me to be. I learned not to be a puppet on a string.

I learned that I can travel the path alone. I learned that I do not need the love of someone that is so willing to push me aside when it suits his purpose. I learned that he expected me to be his option, whilst he remained my priority.

I wonder if I have learned too much?

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I have conceded defeat

It has been a really tough week for me.

I have conceded defeat.

I am severely depressed. I have felt myself slipping further down the black hole over the last three weeks. I have tried to drag myself from this pit of darkness without the help of medications but I can't do it.

I cry at anything and everything. I no longer get any joy from anything that I do. I am not eating. I am not sleeping.

I took myself to see my specialist who has been treating me for depression since the birth of our first child. I have not seen him for 18 months and have been unmedicated for just under two years.

I hate this. I don't want to go back onto meds. I don't like feeling as though I have once again failed.

But truth is I simply cannot cope. I cannot cope with the basic day to day tasks of everyday living. I cannot focus. My mind is a whirlpool of emotions and thoughts that keep me on edge.

I am a mess. My life is a mess.

I need clarity. I need peace. I need rest.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Frozen in time

I am really struggling. I am finding it extremely difficult to cope with day to day living. It's like my mind is consumed with pain, not necessarily thoughts of the mistress or the affair, just pain.

Pain of feeling my whole world has been shattered around me.

Pain of feeling so alone and isolated.

Pain of those words my husband spoke, "I am still in love with her."

The things I feel are very real to me, even though they may not be in reality. I question so many things in my relationship because at the moment it all feels like one big lie. I even question my relationship in the early days and the conception of our children.

I question why my husband is back. I question how he can one day tell me he was in love with her, and then within days be back here telling me he can't live without me.

I question how he can just flick that switch, because I am having so much trouble doing that.

He told me he loved her, and I walked away. I let him go. Within my heart and my head I let him go. I now have what it was that I wanted and I really can't say whether or not it is what I want now.

Why can't I flick that switch? Why can't I just rewind the tape that plays through my head with those words that he spoke and feel love for him? Why can't I accept that he was in deep with the affair and had trouble escaping the web of deception that he had woven?

He is free now and yet I seem to be tangled up in the web. I am the one that is stuck, frozen in time, trying to move to the edges, but seemingly stuck in mid air. Time seems to just pass me, blinding me as it flashes past, whilst I sit back and watch it.

Emotionally I am blocked and in a dark pit of despair. I cannot tell him I love him. I cannot commit to anytime past today. I cannot discuss our marriage. I cannot discuss a permanent separation.

I feel so bloody guilty because I cannot give him anything in return for his amazing efforts in working on our marriage.

But within my heart I know that I give everyday. Everyday that I allow him to be a part of my life I give a massive amount of myself.

I wonder if he realises how much I give?

I wonder if it is enough.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Virgin! Virgin!

It appears I made a mistake!

As you know, before my husband told me of his affair, he went away for 10 days. The mistress accompanied him to spend less than 24 hours with him.

And as a person with integrity, I would like to make an amendment to one of my previous posts. I'd hate to think that I had a lie on my blog so I am now apologising for misleading my readers.

During my phone call with the mistress she was most upset about me quoting the cost of her airfare and hotel as $500.

She sniped at me “Haven’t you heard of Virgin? It was $99. Virgin! Virgin!”

Well as a matter of fact I have heard of Virgin airlines. In fact I actually booked my husband's flight with Virgin on the trip that she accompanied him on. They often have the most amazing one way prices for $99.

So based on what she told me she paid, I can only assume the mistress walked the 1200km home!

I hope she was wearing comfy shoes!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

The final curtain call

The lights are dimmed as you enter the arena. With a large box of popcorn you make your way to your seat. You find your seat and carefully walk along the aisle and sit down awaiting the start of the show.

Well wait no longer!


Roll up! Roll Up!

"Mistress Monday", commencing tomorrow.

Get your tickets now to ensure you have a front row seat!

There will be spills and thrills and something to delight even the most faint hearted persons in the audience.

Don't miss out!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Vicious cycle of doubt

So here I am.

My husband has ended his relationship with the Mistress and is desperately trying to win me back.

Can I fault him on his attempts? No.

Can I accept his attempts? Yes.

Are they working? I don't know.

I must seem like a real bitch at the moment. He is desperately trying to make amends. He tells me everyday how sorry he is. He discusses things with me now on a level that we never had before.

He buys me flowers and cards several times a week. One night we had an argument and I had to go out to a meeting. I returned to my car to find it filled with flowers, love letters and cards!

I come home from work to the most amazing candlelit dinners that he has prepared. He brings me my favourite foods home for snacks (I LOVE Double smoked Brie at $50 per kg!).

He sends me SMS messages to my mobile just about everyday. He sends me emails, and lots of gorgeous e-cards. He calls me constantly.

He takes me out for dinner and away for gorgeous romantic weekends, in fact we are going away again today. He has changed so many things because these were the things that used to irritate me.

He wants to spend time with me. I no longer ask for him to spend time with me because he just organises it and then asks me if I would like to go with him.

He tells me EVERYTHING.

I am probably one of the luckiest women alive at the moment. I have what every woman wants.

Why is it not enough? Why do I still feel so distant to him?

It is like there is something preventing me from committing to him. He has hurt me very deeply and I know I have my guard up. I know this because I struggle with this daily.

But what is going to make that guard soften? What will it take for me to soften to him and his apologies, the remorse he shows daily, his actions?

I am terrified that he will go elsewhere to have his need and desire to feel loved met, perhaps back to the mistress, because at the moment I cannot give him the love that he desires. This is making me keep my guard up for fear of being hurt again. Let's face it, he has gone back to her 4 times already, why would I not expect it again?

And so I find myself consumed by a vicious cycle..... if I don't give him the love that he needs then he will go elsewhere: my fear of him going back to her is preventing me from letting my guard down and giving him the love that he needs.

I just don't know how to begin to break this cycle.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006



by Alanis Morissette

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch them burn me shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

In context to the Mistress

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me

I know your obsession with me and my life will lead you to this blog, but I will no longer allow you to impact my life. I do not understand your fascination with me but should you choose to continue to read my blog it will only prove to me how obsessed you really are.

Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave

I understand the pain you feel after having your husband have an affair on you and put you through this pain. I understand the loneliness and hurt that you felt and possibly still feel. But an unhealthy craving is not going to fill your void. You will never find happiness in the arms of a married man. I don't crave your attention. In fact I don't need anything from you and wish you would move on and leave my husband and I alone.

But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

You are no longer welcome in my life or my husbands for that matter. But feel flattered that your presence is still felt on a daily basis. An unfortunate slight.

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm

I feel for you that you take pleasure in watching innocent people suffer because of your selfishness. Rest assured my husband 'squirms' each day knowing that he jeopardised his marriage by becoming involved with you.

Must be somewhat hard telling
To watch them burn me sheperd

And what sort of person are you if you take pleasure in watching someone crash and burn? I hope you have healed your own wounds caused by your husbands' infidelity through watching me crash and burn by committing adultery with my husband. Does that feel good now, knowing that you have put someone else through the same pain you were put through?

But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

My husband chose to invite you into our lives, but now we choose to UNINVITE you. You are no longer allowed to have any involvement in our lives.

It is such an unfortunate slight that my husband came to his senses and left you where you deserve to be left.....wallowing in your own self pity and immoral life.

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing

I was the unknown to you wasn't I? There must have been many questions you had about me. You must have been intrigued by me.

You still are. You must still ask yourself what it is that I can give him that you could never give him. Why did he come back to me? What is it that I have that you don't?

You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before

You speak of my marriage like you have experienced it and lived it yourself. You speak of how 'true' your relationship with my husband was and how deeply in love with him you were.

No relationship can be 'true' when its main ingredient is lies.

I feel for you because you so desperately wanted what I had. You tried so desperately to be me and have the same sort of relationship with my husband that I did. Fact is, you could never have had what we had because it was just too special. You tried so hard to fill my shoes, but you could never fill my shoes.

But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I know how much you wished to be a part of my husband's life on a permanent basis. It is such an unfortunate slight that he uninvited you from his life and your plans for my marriage were no longer relevant.

It is such an unfortunate slight that you were ignored. Rejected. Mistakenly overlooked.

Rest assured there was no mistake...... You're Uninvited

Monday, November 13, 2006

Your Invitation

Welcome to my blog. This is your invitation to join me on the journey of rebuilding my marriage after my husband chose to have an affair. After months of being in 'limbo' he has returned to his marriage and wants to rebuild the relationship that we had.

For those first time readers I apologise that there will be many gaps for you. But unfortunately I had to take my old blog down due to ongoing harrasment from the Mistress.

For my dedicated readers.....WELCOME back! And thank you for visiting my new house! I am just painting the walls and arranging the furniture. All should be set up this week so we can then sit back with a glass of champagne and watch the movie together.

So pull up a chair and await the curtain rising!

Be with you very soon!

Friday, November 10, 2006

No Invitation issued

Why is it that when something is said to a woman it sticks to them? Why is it that when you are told something, it impacts your life greatly? Why is it that when these words are then retracted that we just can't let go of them and the effect they had/have on us?

I am really struggling at present. No my marriage is not happening. And why? Why is it that it is still a train wreck?

Because my husband said something to me that changed my life.

He told me that he was still in love with the mistress After months of living a life without order, he finally told me that he was still in love with her and I let him go. The relief I felt was amazing. I let him go. In my heart and my head I let my marriage and my husband fly free.

I realise that I never stopped loving him but for some reason it is different now. I struggle everyday because of those words that he said to me. I released him from me, and at the same time released myself from him.

I can honestly say that after he told me that he still loved her, that I started to heal. I started to pick up the pieces of my shattered life, and put them back into some form of order, with the view that it would never include him again.

Why is it that when I released him he realised that he wanted his marriage to work? Why is it he finally came back emotionally and physically after I let him go? Why is it that I am struggling with this?

I didn't ask him to come back. I didn't issue an invitation for him back inot my life. I accepted that he did not want a life with me and I moved forward.

That day that he told me those words I moved forward. And now I find him back in my life and yet I am so unsure as to whether or not I want him in my life.

My heart has hardened to him. I don't know if it is because of the fact that I let him go, or if it is because I have my guard up so high for fear of being hurt again. Will this ever come down?

celine dion - to love you more