The Christmas present from hell

I received a DVD for Christmas from my sister. She lives over 8 hours away so it was sent through the post for me to unwrap on Christmas Day. Nothing unusual about buying a DVD as a present. Only this one was the DVD from hell.

My sister had made a DVD for me of my wedding.

She called me Christmas night. I thanked her for her gift. She asked me if I had watched it and at that stage I hadn't. Truth be told, I didn't want to watch it. She has no idea of the current status of my marriage as it is something I have chosen not to share with her.

But yesterday after lunch, my little girl excitedly wanted to sit down and watch it with me. Charlie and I sat down with our children to watch the DVD of our wedding day.

My stomach was tight and my head was spinning. As I sat there in silence, the tears began to well in my eyes. There was a continuous stream of tears running down my face.

She had included the 'behind the scenes' stuff like the morning at the hairdressers and us girls getting ready, right through to the reception. And the background music she used was the songs from our wedding CD that we gave to every one of guests.

I was not at all nervous. I was so excited and lost for words. There was a smile on my face for the entire day.

There was my message to Charlie, telling him how much I loved him and how I could not wait to be Mrs Jones. There were messages from my close friends wishing us a lifetime of love and happiness. There was laughter and there were tears.

The DVD then showed us saying our vows. At the point the celebrant said "Marriage according to law in Australia is the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all other, voluntarily entered into for life", I could not take anymore.

I ran from the room. Charlie followed me.

And as I once again had my head over the toilet, violently throwing up, he gently rubbed my back.

A new tradition ....

I have been feeling a little down the last couple of days. I love Christmas but always feel exhausted afterward.

However, this time it is different. I am not just exhausted. My mind is racing with different thoughts of Charlie and the mistress.

Thoughts like had they made Christmas plans? Did he intend to spend Christmas with her and her children and not bother with our children? Or had he planned to take my children away from me so I could spend Christmas alone?

Would he have sat down to consume the customary plate of goodies left out for Santa at the mistress' residence whilst I went to bed alone?

Were they planning a holiday away after Christmas, because Charlie and I always go on a family holiday in the New Year. Was he planning to just leave our children at home whilst he holidayed with the mistress and her children?

Had she asked for a particular gift? Did he have something in mind to purchase for her?

Would they have started a little tradition like Charlie and I? Our tradition is a 'naughty' present with a value of no more than $20, that we give each other in bed on Christmas Eve.

Needless to say this year I could not purchase that gift. My mind just wasn't there although Charlie's was.

Thank God Christmas is over!

I love Christmas! But I am also glad to see the back of it!

It is such a hectic time of year that come Boxing Day I am exhausted. To make it worse this year I was back at work on Boxing Day.

Needless to say we have had a wonderful Christmas, with loads of pressies under the Christmas tree, heaps of great food and many bottles of wine being consumed.

I was very spoilt with lots of presents. I can't tell you about some of them ;-) , but one I will tell you about .......... you know that piercing I have wanted? Well now I can't chicken out of it because Charlie has purchased me a gift voucher to have it done!

Thanks for all your well wishes for me and my family. I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas and I look forward to catching up with everyone soon.

Kate

A welcome distraction

I remember our discussions about having children. You were scared. You didn’t want any children. I still remember the look in your eyes and the way you looked at me when you said “Will you still love me?”

The simple act of sex when trying to conceive a child takes on a whole new meaning. It becomes precious and meaningful and I remember making love to you became even more special.

The memories of when we were trying to conceive our children are still vivid, as if it was only yesterday. The daily ritual of charts and thermometers, documenting ovulation days and every time we made love are forever etched in my memory.

I remember how excited you were when my period was due and how you would race to the supermarket to buy me a pregnancy test, sometimes even before my period was due!

And I can still remember the absolute joy that you expressed when I told you that we were expecting a little person of our own, a creation of both you and I, something that was unique to us and only us.

We had created a new life, a little person that we would love until our dying day. A little person that we would hold dreams for, that we would teach right from wrong, that we would love unconditionally.

I remember you rubbing my back whilst I had my head in the toilet throwing up everyday. I remember you tenderly wiping my face, lathered in sweat from the constant morning sickness that lasted all day, everyday, for what seemed to be an eternity.

I remember you consoling me when I believed we had once again lost the child we had created through miscarriage. I can remember you tenderly and lovingly telling me that it would be OK and that we would just try again.

I remember laying in bed with your beautiful soft hands on my growing tummy, eagerly waiting to feel the first flutters of our growing child’s arms and legs. And as my tummy swelled with our precious child, I can remember you talking passionately to my ‘bump’, sweetly singing to my belly and telling our unborn child how much you loved them and could not wait for them to arrive.

I remember the many discussions we had trying to choose a name for our baby. I remember the many times we discussed the dreams we held for our child. I remember the anticipation and excitement as we drew closer to meeting our precious child.

I can still remember your soft hands rubbing my back with every contraction. And as the hours dragged on and your tiredness became increasingly obvious, your immense support overshadowed everything else.

And as our precious first born made her way into the world I can remember the tears falling down your cheeks. I can still remember you looking at me with adoring eyes, holding me so close and telling me how much you loved me.

I can remember you holding our beautiful daughter in your arms, tenderly looking down into her perfect little face, and you telling her how much you loved her already and that you were going to be the best daddy.

And you have been a wonderful daddy!

And so recently when you suggested that we get pregnant again all of these wonderful memories came flooding back. I would welcome the closeness that we experienced, the immense love, the excited anticipation. It would be such a welcome distraction to the pain and heartache that I currently feel everyday.

But there is no way I would do it. I could not conceive a child in the current circumstances. It would be a band aid solution. It would be a lie.

A child should be conceived in a stable environment, to parents that are in love with each other, that hold the same dreams, travelling the same path and going in the same direction.

Right now I don’t believe we are on the same path. As much as I crave to feel the closeness and happiness that I once felt from ‘us’, I know this is not the way to achieve it.

Although, for the first time in my life, I understand why couples have a child to hold a marriage together or a 'make-up' baby after an affair.

Maybe one day we will share the joy of another child.

Maybe.

I will rise above it!

Charlie and I are both really struggling today.

As some of you are aware I was subjected to a tirade of nasty comments yesterday from none other than the mistress herself. She has found Charlie's blog and absolutely let fly with anonymous comments aimed at Charlie, me and our supporters/readers.

It would be so easy for me to retaliate with a nasty poison pen post. But I am remaining strong. I am not going to let her reopen the wounds that have healed.

It is really hard. I so want to write that post. But I will not allow myself to stoop to the same levels as the mistress. I will not allow her to severe the sutures that have stopped the blood flow from the open wounds.

I will not do it. I will not react and give her more attention. I won't do it.

I pray that I remain strong. Getting personal does not change anything that has happened. There is nothing to be achieved from writing that post. I will remain strong.

I will cop her attacks on the chin. It only continues to prove to me that she has an unhealthy obsession with me and my marriage. She is irrational and delusional. I will not stoop to the same lows.

Yes she is reading this blog. Yes she is reading Charlie's blog. Yes she is continuing to stalk me throughout blogland.

I will rise above it. I will not let her take me to her low level.

I will continue to hope that she realises what she is doing and will finally move on, as I have.

He does not love you. He never did love you. He used you. He will not come back to you. It was all lies.

The sooner these facts are realised and accepted then the quicker she will heal.

Please send her your prayers.

And send me your prayers to remain strong and not write that post!

So I'll let you fly

So Charlie called in to my house whilst I was at work. He left a present for me on my bedside table before he left and called me at work to tell me he had left it.

When I came home I was apprehensive about even going into my bedroom. But I took a deep breath and ventured toward my bedside table.

I saw an envelope addressed to me, well the nickname Charlie uses for me, and picked it up. I held it in my hands, turning it over numerous times, not really knowing if I wanted to open it or not.

I hesitated again but gathered the strength to open it.

Charlie had written "I cried so much when I heard this song this morning. Listen to it and cry with me."

I looked at my bedside table and found a CD he had burnt for me. It was only one song but I think the song says it all.


"Always Be My Baby"
by Mariah Carey




We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you will always be mine
Now you wanna be free
So I'll let you fly
'Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die no no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

I aint gonna cry no oh
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably
you'll be back again
'Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that
you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

And as the tears streamed down my face, I couldn't help but think how I had to let him go and how hard that decision was to make.

It's no longer about....

He now realises how he has betrayed me.

He now realises the severity of his betrayal.

He now realises that he would have worked on his marriage and tried to correct the problems if he never had the mistress on the scene.

He now realises how much he has hurt me.

He now realises how many times he has let me down.

He now realises how badly he has treated me.

He now realises how wrong it was to do what he did.

He now realises he was never in love with the mistress.

He now realises how much he loves me and wants me back.

He shows me how sorry he is. He smothers me with gifts. He gives me beautiful cards. He tells me multiple times in a day how sorry he is and how much he loves me, how he wants to grow old with me, how he never stopped loving me, how he needs me.

But all of a sudden these things pale into insignificance. They are no longer important to me. Cards and flowers are easy as is making a dinner reservation or booking a hotel room for a naughty weekend away.

Do they show commitment? Do they show that he will never betray me again? Do they address the real issues in this marriage? Do they convince me that he is sorry?

He tells me he is trying? Is he?

He tells me he loves me. Does he?

He tells me he will never do this again. Will he?

He tells me this time it is different. Is it?

I am not convinced. Flowers, cards and dinner reservations do not convince me.

This time it is different because I have not allowed myself to be pulled back with 3 weeks of 'good behaviour'. We are now playing a different game, a game that he chose to play by becoming involved with another woman whilst married to me.

The rules have changed because he moved the goal posts. The things that used to make a difference no longer do. I've played that game and no longer get any form of enjoyment from it.

Is the sun going down on this marriage because it seems that no matter how I explain it, he just never gets it.

He tells me he'll try harder. Does that mean I will get flowers everyday of the week instead of 2 or 3 times in a week?

It doesn't matter how many times he gives me a card or a bunch of flowers. It doesn't matter how many SMS messages he sends me. It doesn't matter how many times he tells me he loves me because I don't believe it. It doesn't matter how many times he tells me his sorry because I don't believe it.

It's no longer about spending time with me. It's no longer about showing me how much he loves me. It's no longer about him being honest with me. It's no longer about him talking to me about things.

It's now about why he did it. It's now about why he isn't going to do it again. It's now about why he lies. It's now about why he is so needy. It's now about why he isn't going to treat me that way again.

And it is only when he can answer these why's that I will be able to answer why it is that I would want to go back.

In the dead of night

It's been a busy day.

It's been a trying day, as everyday is at the moment. I am exhausted physically and emotionally.

After a long hot shower I drop onto the bed dressed in my jimmie jams and can't wait to drift into unconsciousness and get some much needed rest.

And as my racing mind starts to drift in and out of peacefulness, and my body's last waking muscle drifts into unconsciousness, the shrill ring of Charlie's mobile wakes me from my slumber.

He answers it in a semi conscious state, not really comprehending who he is speaking with.

"Hello"

"Hi. It's just me."

"Mmmmm"

"I just called to see if you are OK"

Am I dreaming? No.

Yep you guessed it. It was the mistress AGAIN. She called in the dead of night last night.

So today I had another busy day. I read recently the best way to fight fire is with cold water.

Well I am icy cold because today I changed Charlie's mobile phone number!

Is it just me, or now that the fire has been extinguished, is it cold in here?

And this is MY song

I Will Survive
by Gloria Gaynor



At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

It's JUST a song!

Well I must have jinxed myself yesterday. After writing that post I went to the supermarket for some groceries. I was only in the supermarket for a matter of minutes when a song came on that affected me badly.

My body went numb and my mind raced. I was tempted to just push the trolley to the side of the aisle and flee. I had to breathe deeply but somehow I managed to keep it together.

I was angry. I was hurt. I was numb. I was dazed.

So what did I do? I picked up my phone and called you at work to tell you what was playing. You didn't answer so I left a voice mail message for you. You saw I had called so called me back without checking your messages.

You said you were sorry. You said it won't always be this hard. You said that you loved me and just wanted to fix it. You said if there were anything that you could do to take away the pain, then you would do it without hesitation.

So after work you came over to my place and asked how my day had been. You knew I was struggling. You knew I was in pain. You acknowledged I was having a bad afternoon.

You also asked me in an incredulous way what had caused me to plummet down. "Just the song?" you asked.

Well let me tell you what "Just the song" is.

It is YOU taking the time to plan a special CD for HER.

It is YOU taking the time to burn it for HER.

It is YOU thinking enough of HER to make something so special.

It is YOU thinking outside the square to give something so individual to HER.

It is YOU giving it to HER.

It is YOU listening to it with HER.

It is YOU sharing special songs that have meaning with HER.

It is YOU probably fucking HER after listening to it.

It is probably YOU giving it to HER when you went interstate. Do the lyrics hold special meaning?
Cause tonight is the night, for feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through

I guess I really shouldn't have any hard feelings toward this should I? Afterall I have a CD that you made for me too, one that we gave all our wedding guests.

Remember this? And don't forget the gorgeous cover that had a beautiful professional picture of us hugging and said

"Today I married my friend,
the one I laugh with,
live for, dream with,
Love."










But I suppose in your eyes it holds no special meaning cause it is "Just songs".

FUCK YOU CHARLIE!

Everyday is a journey

Everyday is a journey....a decision we make that could change everything in one moment...it happens with all of us.

Sometimes we just need to be confident in the path we have choosen to take and know no matter what is at the end of this road...we will be stronger

Every morning I wake up not really knowing what the day will bring me. Somedays are good, other days are not.

Some days see me consumed with pain, writhing in anger towards the broken promises my husband made to me. Other days I simply exist within this marriage, not really feeling any pleasure or happiness.

Some days I wake up feeling great, but before the day is out, something has sent me spiralling downward. Often they are little things that trigger my dark descent, like driving past the airport that my husband flew out of with his mistress for her less than 24 hours of 'fun', or a song that is played on the radio.

I found a piece of paper the other day that upset me greatly. He made her a CD and I found the list of songs that he had written down and how he placed them in order. That just about killed me.

My journey used to be so easy. Now it is a long and rocky path, a difficult path that is often overgrown with trees and bushes that gnarl your skin as you walk on by. It doesn't matter how far you seem to have travelled, you never seem to get anywhere. You always feel as though you are still in the same spot, surrounded by darkness.

It appears that my journey has brought me to a fork in the road. I stand here in a grey gloominess not quite being able to see far enough down the road for my liking. I am not confident to take either path. Both paths are totally unknown and I am so uncertain of what lay ahead for me.

For the moment I have decided to take shelter beneath the dark and gloomy sky. And as I flatten out the creases in my picnic rug I hope and pray that the clouds begin to move and allow the sun to shine through, lighting the way of the path that is to be my destiny.

Angel in the Mist

I had a wonderful day with my Angel friend through the week. It is amazing how she is so in tune with my needs. We both have very busy lives but we always seem to know when we need to contact the other person.

So she called me and organised a day at the beauticians for us. I never argue with her. I simply tell her if I am available and she makes all the arrangements.

So after our pedicures, manicures and massages we went for a coffee. She could see I was in pain and she tried to convince me it is all worth it.

She told me how in the last few weeks she has finally been able to look at her husband and feel overwhelming emotion toward him. She is once again 'in love' with him.

She told me how she struggled with her emotions. She told me of the many lows that she endured to get where she is today, but now she was enjoying the highs.

She told me her husband had also informed her that he was in love with the other woman, and how she struggled to let go of that. She told me it had taken her around 18 months to be able to be civil toward her husband after he told her of his affair.

She told me how she used to feel as though she was losing it emotionally and that the turning point for her healing was when she developed some compassion toward her husband and his addiction.

She asked me if I felt any compassion for Charlie. I answered truthfully and said "None at all."

I guess she was a little shocked at my response. She thought I would be further along the path of healing.

What she did not realise was that Charlie had gone back to his mistress numerous times after telling me of his affair. Once I told her this she shared my pain and we sat there and cried together.

She was lucky. Her husband never continued to lie and deceive her. He came back and did not go back to the mistress at all. She did not have the hurt of continual contact and secret rendevous that I have had to deal with.

She reinforced how much he adores me and that it can work. She told me that what we will have will be so much better than what we had that it is so worth hanging in there. She told me that she knows how hard it is but I have to soften to him.

She asked me if I loved him and I could not answer.

"I never considered myself a mistress"

I was reading one of my favourite blogs and came across a very interesting comment written by the mistress.

"Although, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I never considered myself a mistress as the man in question was separated from his wife."

Interesting! Very interesting!

Let’s examine this statement a little more closely.

My husband met his mistress in November and became involved with her sexually in December.

Weeks later in January my husband and I went on our usual summer holiday and had a great time with our children. We also celebrated my birthday in January by staying in the Presidential Suite of a 5 star hotel and going hot air ballooning, all arranged as a surprise by my husband that had supposedly left me. I have wonderful photos of both of these occasions, like the sunrise on this post.

Another interesting thing is a comment the mistress left on my husband's blog in February in relation to a post that he had written. The mistress has always had a smart mouth and received many comments from other readers.

Looking back at the comments she used to write on his blog, it was very obvious she had a thing for my husband. It was not only noticeable to me but other readers as well. One reader wrote about her having a thing for Charlie to which she responded something along the lines of "Last I knew was that 'Charlie' was married."

It astounds me how she can one day see him as being married and then the next she sees him as being seperated and available. I am at a loss to know how to describe the period between December and end of April when my husband was still sleeping in OUR bed in OUR home, but in the mistress’s mind he was separated! I guess if one is so prepared to live a life of lies, then one is also prepared to tell lies to suit their own purpose.

So when did my husband move out of the matrimonial home and bed? Well he never really moved out of our bed, but he sort of moved out of the home at the end of April.

In April my husband went on an interstate trip. The mistress accompanied him for less than 24 hours and when my husband returned 10 days later, she had conveniently organised a new residence for him to move into. She organised share accommodation for my husband with the male partner of one of her work colleagues.

The ironic part of this situation is that this male had been kicked out of his place of residence because he had an affair on the mistress’ work colleague!

My husband has since told me that the mistress was so desperate for my husband to move out that she used to send him emails with the details of residences for lease near her suburb. Sometimes she would even send him properties that were available in the same unit complex!

Talk about desperate! She wanted it so badly that she tried to do it all for him. Well I guess you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, can you?

And the second part of the comment is also very interesting.

"What is sad, is when people blog to defame others. That's what the "wife" did to me. She managed to trawl the internet to find other "scorned women" to join her cause. This resulted in me being harassed and abused via email and my blog by a bunch of women who had never met me, and didn't really know the true story."

Definition of ‘defame’ from www.thefreedictionary.com :

“To damage the reputation, character, or good name of by slander or libel”

How can someone defame an unidentified person? No-one who read my old blog knew who the mistress was, apart from those that the mistress contacted directly to have a go at me, and the friends of the mistress that she directed to my blog.

And when the truth is told you can't defame someone. So my response is : "SUE ME!"

So how can I be held responsible for the position the mistress found herself in? I find this situation rather amusing that she tried her hardest to have a go at me and in the process pissed off a lot of people in blog land. She set out to deliberately cause problems for me by directly commenting on my supporters blog, therefore identifying herself. She stalked me through blogland and went on her own little rampage only to have it backfire on her.

I am NOT responsible for supposed harassment and abuse. If you want to put your email address out there with nasty remarks then you have to expect something back. You want to attack people then you have to expect some ill feeling.

And further more….."trawl the internet to find other ‘scorned women’ to join her cause”.

I think the green eyed monster has struck! She was always extremely jealous of the number of readers I had on my blog!

Things don't change

"Things do not change; we change."

It is amazing how 6 small words can have such a profound impact on one's life.

I came across this gorgeous card recently and just had to purchase it. I am going to get it framed and hang it on my wall.

Looking back I can see how both my husband and I have changed. I can also see how neither of us were prepared to change to suit each others individual needs, and hence the problems within our marriage began.

I changed into a very frustrated and angry woman due to constantly being hurt and let down by my husband.

He changed because of the angry and bitter woman that I had become due to his treatment of me.

All I ever wanted was to feel loved and desired. And at the end of the day, I now realise that is all my husband wanted too.

But instead of changing and adapting to suit each others needs, we pushed each other away. Things did not change in our marriage, but we both certainly did.

We were still the same two people that fell madly in love with each other.

We were still the same two people that adored the ground that the other walked upon.

We were still the same two people that stimulated each other both mentally and emotionally, and not to mention sexually ;-) !!!

And so where did those two people go? They changed!

They changed into very frustrated and hurt people and instead of addressing the issues that resulted in their change of behaviour, they continued to choose a path of destructive behaviour continually hurting the very person they chose to spend their entire life with.

And have I changed since Charlie told me of his affair?

Definately!

I have become a much stronger person. I have learnt alot about myself, about marriage and also about my husband.

I actually read through some of the early pieces that I had written on my previous blog and can so easily see the strength I have gathered over the last 6 months.

I have decided to bring them out of the archives and share them with you again. I have set up another blog and will slowly start to bring them back. I have left the publishing date the same as the original date they were written.

I am no longer "Totally Shattered", but now consider myself to be "Not Totally Shattered".

Keep checking back into this blog and enjoy the journey with me, I will put up a link so you can check back in and travel the road with me.

I think you will be surprised at how much I have learnt and grown during this rollercoaster ride through infidelity.